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Personal Problem - need some advice
14 Replies
Stacey373 - October 3

This has nothing to do with fibro, but I have been coming here for months and have relied on everyone for your advice and opinions and I thought I would ask for some advice about this.

I want to apologize before hand...I hope I don't sound petty or jealous or vindictive. I swear I'm not that kind of person AT ALL. But this situation is beginning to wear on me morally and I need to know what you guys would do if you were me.

Okay...Some of you may remember a while back I wrote a post about my friend whose husband left her and one of the reasons he left was because of her medical problems. (and I was worried that could actually happen in my own life) Turns out it was all a bunch of lies...he didn't leave her for that reason and she has been going around telling these lies and MORE just to get everyone's sympathy.

This woman has used me and my husband BEYOND what any normal person would allow. Whether it's financial, emotional, babysitting, etc....she's done it ALL to us. There have been many times I've put her kids before mine and her family before my family...even to the point of hurting us...just to make sure her and her kids had what they "needed".
I'm finding out that there really are people out there who will take complete advantage of my kindness and my unselfish giving personality. that's a hard one for me...I've always been the kind of person who believes in Kharma. I've always thought if I do the "right" thing and help everyone who needs help...that I'm doing what I'm "supposed' to be doing in my life. does that make sense?!? problems is that I know she's cheating the welfare system. I know she's cheating her husband out of money. she's cheated ALOT of people out of their money and I've watched her do it without one regret. It's all about her. She's not even using the money for her bills or her kids....she's spending it ALL on herself. She's going shopping every weekend...getting her nails and hair done every week...and even had the "extra" $200 to get a tattoo this weekend! And then she will turn right around this week and whine and cry until someone gives her money to help her out!

she's getting help from welfare (About $700 a month in food stamps and insurance even though she is working) because she lied and said her husband hasn't given her a dime since he left. He's given her whatever she asked for every 2 weeks when he gets paid and has done this without fail since he left. He's given her enough to pay all the bills and for them to have extra spending money. Come to find out...she hasn't been paying the bills and most importantly, she hasn't been paying the house payment. and now she's trying to get people to feel sorry for her and loan her the money because she's behind in her house payment. her husband also got hit with a HUGE back child support bill that he owed because the state thinks he hasn't been giving her any money for the kids....which is another lie.

My husband has been telling me for a couple of months to just sit back and wait...eventually Kharma is going to get her and she's going to get caught. Well in the mean time...her husband is getting completely screwed and he's not even questioning it because he doesn't know what she's been doing....he just wants to make sure the kids are taken care of. that you've heard SOME of what's going on (this isn't even ALL of it!)....what do I do? My husband is now telling me I need to call the welfare office and turn her in. she's committing welfare fraud and she's getting away with it! Not to mention because of this....her husband is getting screwed and by calling welfare, this is the only way I can think of to help him (without actually talking to him and telling him everything)

I'm sure you can tell that I'm very fed up with her and her selfish cheating lying ways. I'm pretty much just done with her all together. But morally how do I sit back and watch her get away with all of this? Is it "my job" to call welfare and turn her in? Or should I just stay out of it and forget about it? I really don't know what to do!

Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any advice you all have. Stacey :o)


Fantod - October 3

Stacey373 - Yes, you need to call the welfare office and report this person. There are plenty of people out there these days that honestly need the help. The system is already overloaded. If people do not report fraud, someone who is really deserving may not get the benefits that they need.

If the opportunity presents itself, I'd tell her eactly what I think of her selfish behaivor too. She deserves every bad thing that happens to her from now on. There are truly decent people in this world; she does not happen to be one of them.
And, what a poor example she is setting for her children!

I hope that my comments were helpful.


mm30 - October 3

my gosh stacey what an awful situation for you to be in. she sounds a bit like the nut bag i lived beside before i had enough and just left. :S

so many things to consider but i think bottom line is you probably should turn her in. i'm just worried about how will it affect you? how sane is this woman. can it be done anonamously or do you have to give name and evidence of what you are telling the social etc. will her husband want to know why you didnt go to him? can it back fire on you?

you have shown me such kindness in the passed i hate for you to be in this dilema. i hope it turns out ok for you! sometimes these things have a way of back firing. its not right but god the world can work in mighty strange ways. and whats fair doesnt always shine through.

best of luck and i hope this woman gets her just deserts.
i still try to believe in kharma maybe this is hers.


canadacalling - October 4


Yes, you must call Welfare, but hope it doesn't get YOU too involved. What a situation to be in.

Actually, she acts like she is a little off balance. Listed to Fantod.

Have a nice day today. S.


Stacey373 - October 4

Thank you both for replying.

I'm pretty sure I can call in anonymously. The only problem would be it's a very small office in a small town and I think the lady I need to call will know exactly who I am. me and this girl went together to apply for help. that was the day that I got denied any type of help with medical and she was handed food stamps and medical. (even though she already has insurance through her work!) That day I was so hurt and angry that I couldn't get any help what-so-ever...but she was getting MORE than she needed.

I guess the major reason I've been hesitating about doing this is because her and I are really good friends...almost like family...and she doesn't have any idea how I've been feeling and I honestly don't want to cause her any harm. We aren't close friends like we talk to each other about everything and stuff like that...but I was the one she came to when she needed someone and I am VERY close to her kids. although I've put a stop to ALL the "support" (like financial and what-not) I can't just quit talking to her all together. It's really hard to explain...Although I do think at some point I will need to say something to her about how I'm feeling and how I don't agree with her selfish ways. and I think my husband is going to talk to her husband sometime this week and at least give him a "heads-up" about all of this.

anyways....I think I'm going to call the welfare office today and at least ask them "hypothetically" what I should do with this "information" I have. More than likely I will go ahead and turn her in and at least they will stop the food stamps and hopefully do something about her husband owing all this back child support. I don't want her destitute but I also don't think it's right that she's profiting from this. And it really bothers me to watch her take advantage of everyone's kindness and sympathy.

I am worried that this will back fire on me. And I sure don't want this to bring "bad Kharma" on me. Ugh...this is just such a mess....

Thanks again, for your advice. I really do appreciate it. Stacey :o)


Stacey373 - October 4

Thanks Susan...I agree...I think she has got to have some sort of mental problem. She's not a very bright person to begin with...very ignorant. and there are times I feel like I'm dealing with a child. But at the same time...she HAS to realize at some point that she's lying and cheating people. maybe she doesn't realize how selfish she is...but she can't be ignorant enough not to know what she's doing.


Fantod - October 4

Stacey373 - Your friend is abusing the system that was set up to help people who really need it. In my estimation, turning her in is what she deserves and there is nothing wrong with doing it. You should be commended for even thinking about it as most people seem to turn a blind eye these days. Bad karma is coming her way, not yours.

You are doing her a favor in a back handed way. She'll either learn from this experience and change her evil ways or continue down the same path. If the latter is the case, I think that you need to stay away from her altogether. YOu have to think about your own family, especially the kids. Do they need to be exposed to some like that? Take care.


Stacey373 - October 4

I agree Fantod. I'm always trying to make sure my kids understand that the things they see or hear her doing are not right and these things are bad and they have to be "better people." Thankfully my kids do understand the difference and I'm very proud of the choices they are always making. Even the smallest of things, they are always very honest. I guess we must have done something right in raising them so far! LOL

We had really hoped our influence would be a good thing for my friend's boys. They are already just like her....they expect people to do things for them, have absolutely no appreciation, and don't even say Thank You. We even started making them say Thank You over the last couple of months...hoping they would learn from that. I don't know...I can't just give up on them, but I also just don't think we are making a difference and there's not much more we can do with them.

This is such a hard situation. The easiest thing to do is just pretend it's not going on and stay out of it. But I realize the easy thing isn't always the "right" thing to do. I am going to go ahead and make the call a little later once my house and phone quiet down. I probably won't know anything until she calls or shows up to tell me that her food stamps got cut off. I'm REALLY not looking forward to that! LOL

Thank You so much. I was feeling like a horrible vindictive person for even thinking about turning her in. Now I think I will feel worse if I don't do something about this. You have all been really good friends and I do appreciate it. Take Care, Stacey :o)


Stacey373 - October 4

I just wanted to let you guys know I did it. I was able to fill out a form anonymously on-line. I feel horrible for doing this...but I also now have a clear conscious. I've done what I can do and now I will have to wait and see what happens.


mm30 - October 4

Hi stacey just wanted to say well done for being so brave and making a decision. i think you did the right thing :).

its done now so dont look back

x MEl


deadgamegrrl - October 4

Good for you Stacey! I can totally relate to what you are going through. I always try to help others too and have gotten screwed over by some of them. I've learned the hard way that some people are just users and takers, instead of true friends and/or just good people. As for karma, which I do believe in, it can only help that you are doing the right thing. You tried to help her, and not only did she just take from you, she is cheating the system and making it harder for people that truly need the help to receive it, and she is cheating her ex as well.
Good luck & stay strong!


Fantod - October 5

Stacey - You totally rock! You did the right thing and are an example for the rest of us to live up to. Bravo!


Stacey373 - October 5

Thanks guys! Your comments have actually made me feel a whole lot better this morning. Even put a smile on my face!

I really hope this works out for the best. I still feel like this horrible backstabbing person...but like I said before...I at least have a clear conscious now. And hopefully her husband doesn't get completely screwed over. All he really cares about are his boys and their relationship is so damaged at this point that I really feel sorry for him.

anyways...Thanks all have no idea how much your support means to me. Take Care, Stacey :o)


jrzgirl1 - October 7

she needs to be turned in, then she should ask forgiveness, maybe go to a food pantry, if she does not need the food stamps, she is depriving a family who needs them


axxie - October 23

Stacey 373, don't call the office, why don't you write a letter, don't sign it and send it in. End of story. Don't have to go into alot of details, trust me they will act on it.

As for the husband, I do hope this guy is giving her cheques so that he can show the court he's been paying her. If he isn't then he'd better start.

As for you Stacey, don't invite her at your house and don't help her, for if she calls, tell her politely, I'd love to talk to you, but I have to run to an appointment. If you run into her, just continue on your merry way and don't stop, if she stops you, just say, I didn't see you, and say I wish I could talk but I have to run.

She comes to the door, same thing, I'm having problems of my own and I need to quiet to think about them.

If after all this, doesn't work, my dear girl, let her have it.

You write a polite letter, list her name and what you know and how she's doing it, and let the authorities take it from there and it's all done without divulging your name. Don't worry if it's hand written they will never show the letter to her, but if there is enough to look into it they will investigate. They are pro at this.

As you being friends with her, you need to distance herself and stop worrying about what happens, trust me, she'll find another friend to get money from, we are all born to listen and help and then sometimes we get had. It's human nature.

Don't worry about it and wash your hands of this affair and please occupy yourself with something more worthwhile.

I hope I have helped you.



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