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Where I'm at
2 Replies
kvc33 - November 21

Well for the past two and half months my exhaustion has been less. Tasks are easier to do and I'm often surprised that I don't feel like I'm dying after taking a shower or going to the store. At times I feel happy but the depersonalization disorder won't let up. You'd think having a bit more energy would be great but at times it just increases my anxiety. I'm not better enough to add anything more to my activities. I'm never quite sure what I can and can't do. I'm lonely and scared, I still don't fit into this world. I worry about everything, mostly being alone and depressed. It's hard to get interested in anything. Hormones are bad right now, should be better in a couple of days. It seems really dark on the grey days. I am considering getting someone to paint my brown ceiling in the Spring if the landlord will allow it. I just don't see as well as I used to. Take care everyone.


kvc33 - November 22

I've been having more contact with people lately and I thought that would be a good thing. So far, I'm not so sure. They doubt or discount everything I say. If I say I'm having memory problems they say, "Oh, we all do." I know what is normal and it is not normal to constantly misplace things and forget what you did two minutes ago. Yesterday I walked out of a store without paying for something because I had forgotten that I had put it in my pocket in order to carry it. I went back and paid for the 99 cent item. I am often surprised at where I find things because I have no memory of putting them there. Just now I looked at an empty vase, and I don't remember throwing out the flowers just ten minutes ago. In fact, I'll have to check to see what I did with them. When people tell me about their memory issues or something else, I never discount it. I think it is incredibly rude to deny another person's truth.


powderblue - November 23

Hi Kv33, even though your exhaustion is less it sounds like you are still having a tough time. Maybe you need to increase your expectations and activites slowly so as not to cause too much anxiety as the anxiety wouldn't be good for your FM. I presume you have seen a pyschologist or therapist and learnt some techniques or tools(such as CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy]) to reduce your anxiety. I sometimes feel like I am different too because of my life experiences. This illness can change your perspective on things. I know I take the little things less for granted. I think I have more compassion and are more sensitive to people. I don't assume everyone is the same. Sometimes this different perspective and increased sensitivity can make me feel like I want to have friends that are more like me that have experience some adversity and have a bit more depth to them. However there aren't that many people like that so it can be a bit isolating at times. I know what you mean about people thinking that they have similar symptoms to you. Of course we all forget things but it is the intensity of your cognitive impairment and yours sounds like it significantly impacts on your daily functioning. If someone had dementia I bet they wouldn't discount their memory loss. FM has so many symptoms when you explain them to someone it almost makes you sound like a hypochodriac that is fixating on themself and exaggerating things to get pity. It is like when a person has experienced the blues and they think they can understand how a severly depressed person is feeling and then they try to to offer their ignorant advice or opinions. I tried to explain my fatigue to someone today and it was hard because we all get fatigued but this fatigue is a different kind of fatigue. Hope your exhaustion continues to lessen and you keep heading in the right direction. You take care too. :-)



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