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18 Replies
Noca - January 25

I've walked the long road alone, my feet hurt. Chains of sadness have a hold on me. When depression is a prison, you can't break free. Everyday is another struggle. The pain controls my every thought. Everyday I suffer physical agony and mental anguish. I just don't want to live anymore.

My outlook is bleak. I've tried almost everything I can think of. Ive had depression since i was 12 and chronic pains since i was 18. I have been fighting both for the past 5 years.

5 years later, 13,000+ pills later, 40+ different presciption drugs later, 100+ hours of therapy, 10+ doctors, 4 attempts on my life, 4 psych ward visits and very little progress has been made if any. I take one step forward and two steps back it seems. I've simply run out of steam.

I'm only here due to a lack of means to leave, and that if I were to kill myself, I would be sentencing the rest of my depressed friends to death as well.

I feel bad. The untimely ending of my pain would be the start of so many more who don't want nor deserve it.

My family has seemed to have given up on me and I'm about to give up too.

Depression doesn't care how much money you have, it doesn't care what you have or haven't accomplished, it doesn't care what you drive, it doesn't care what grades you have in school, how successful you are nor, nor the amount of friends you have. It will seek out and consume every ounce of life you have and any will to carry on in live regardless of who you are.

Sadly I see depression as a terminal illness from I will which will one day take my life.

My doctors told me 5 years ago when I made the first attempt on my life that my depression would be treatable and I could live a normal; it feels like they lied.

I really am nearing the end of my rope. Im gonna give TCA's a last resort chance before inevitably end up punching my own ticket.

Any help??? =/


ptalana - January 26

Noca, wow I'm so sorry to read everything that you've been going thru!!!! Please hang on to the support of your friends, please consider me one.
I wish I had a magic wand and could take away all your pain. I'm here for you, Patty


axxie - January 26

Noca I'm sorry you are feeling this bad, could it be that when winter sets in the sky that is grey that you may well have SAD also. People who have depression and who hurt most is when winter sets in. When spring arrives, we have a lighter spirit. Are you taking your vitamin A & D to help you with the SAD.

Maybe you have not developed another kind of depression, known as having bipolar from the long illness. Maybe you just need to change your medication to help you. If you are taking any pain medication this will not help you heal your depression, it actually accuents.

I'm no doctor and I'm sure you are being monitored but something is amiss. Sometimes the medication they give us, makes us feel depressed more and we think of suicide. Time for you to see your doctor and be frank with them about how you are feeling.

I am a friend, who understands what you are going through and would like for you to see your doctor pronto and be honest with your doctor, tell them how you feel exactly. That you want to end your life, that you are lacking any get up and go.

I would like to give you a soft hug and a my shoulder to cry on. Do come and talk to us, you have many friends on this site.


Noca - January 26

Seeing my therapist Thursday and GP on Friday to beg them for relief! May try Amitriptyline and go right to the max dose of 150mgs.

I am not allowed to take an MAOI and take my opiates at the same time or I would go straight to Nardil or Parnate...

Thanks for replying everyone.


Fantod - January 26

Noca - Please count me in as a friend too. I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. You are certainly not alone in your feelings of sadness and helplessness. We all have them from time to time.

Did you know that Winston Churchill (one of my heroes)suffered from profound depression? He called it "the black dog." It plagued him all of his adult life. As therapy, he constructed brick walls until the bite of the black dog eased up.

So, as Winston Churchill used to say "K.B.O." or
Keep Buggering On." Things will get better and we are all here for you. xo


axxie - January 26

Hey Fantod, nice interesting piece about Winston, I like the guy also, but never knew he had depression. What a way to go, KBO..... interesting.

I guess will all be constructing walls, until the ease of the bite from the black dog.

Keep on travelling, now I shall say kbo, keep buggering on......


ptalana - January 26

There is a huge list of famous sufferers of depression ie: Agatha Christie, Charles Dickens, Vincent Van Gogh, and Harrison Ford to name a few. Noca you are not alone in your fight.

Axxie mentioned SAD this does make sense there are so many sufferers, couldn't hurt to look into.

The only time I can remember feeling the absolute pain of depression was when I was put on antidepressants for my pain. Strange how these can have a polar opposite effect on some as to what they're intended to do.

I'm glad your seeing your doctor on Thursday, please let us know how it goes. Your in my thoughts everyday, Patty


axxie - January 26

Noca, could it be the kind of pain medication that you are on that is making you blue. I know when I take hard pain medication I tend to be more Dr. Jekyl then Mr. Hide. So it could all be the pain medication that is making you depressed. The thought you have having is not normal, not even for anyone who is on antidepresant. If this happens, you are to report it immediately and have the doctor either change your medication, change the dose or take you off. It's very important for you life, that you don't delay in speaking to your doctor about the thoughts of suicide.

I do hope you will make the wise decision and tell your doctor about how you were feeling. It happened to me, and it took a while before I said anything to my gp. Well I was afraid, she might think of me as a crazzy. She didn't she said I was brave of telling her and she promptly changed my medication. She asked if I had someone in the family that I could talk to and let them know they needed to monitor me for a few weeks, until the new antidepressant took hold of me. I spoke to a friend via long distance who has bipolar she's a great friend of mine and she urged me to keep calling her and to see my doctor again. Back I went and was changed again. Anyway the story goes that my doctor took it very seriously and sure marked it my file that I had adverse reactions to certain medication, so now when she prescribes pain medication she goes through the list and gives me what is appropriate. Also I learned that I had what they call an addicted response to pain pill. That you don't know until you either develope it without you knowing or you are born with it. Ever since then, I am extra careful and I even alerted my pharmacy. They know exactly what I'm allergic to, what I don't tolerate well and know that some medication I cannot take because of my body does or doesn absorbe. When speaking with my pharmacist she mentoned that many people have these and that it's not because you are an addict but the drugs compound are the fault in many instances to the addiction.

I want for you to have a special relationship with your pharmacies (try using the same one, no matter what). To be forthright with the pharmacist so that if they know they can alert you what medication will interfere with you.

Good luck to you.



Fantod - January 26

Noca - I hope that you will let us know how you are doing today. We are all worried and would like to hear from you.


Noca - January 26

I booked another appt to see my psychiatrist this Thursday as well. I'm still really depressed... I cry myself to sleep every night and for hours each day.


jrzgirl - January 27

I know how you feel, my thoughts are like yours sometimes but I go to a pychiatrist, she helps, maybe you could talk th your pastor, reach out like you are doing right now. I want to leave my marriage and of course I have no money. I have not even been diagnoised yet, I pray for an answer as to what I am going through has a name. Please do not take your life, you are valuable and loved, I live with a selfish, abusive, controlling husband, and at 60 yrs old, I am in this all by myself. The people on this forum really care and so do I.


Noca - January 28

So I saw my psychiatrist today and she diagnosed me officially with Dysthymia and Major Depression. She also referred me(in addition to herself) to a psychologist, the mood disorders clinic(the best depression treatment center in the province), a CBT group therapy in my city, and a depression support group. Shes helping me wean off the evil drug "Zyprexa" too(it can cause diabetes type 2).

I see my GP and therapist tomorrow to continue to beg for help, and an ADD specialist on Feb the 3rd i think.

Thanks everyone for caring sooo much about me, I really appreciate it. I find depression way harder than my chronic pain to deal with. I'll report back with any news... Peace


Fantod - January 28

Noca - This ia all good news.! I'm so relieved that you saw your doctor today and she was so helpful. I hope that having the extra support that is being offered through the clinic etc will make positive changes in your life. Anytime you need help, we are all here for you. Take care and keep the faith. KBO!


ptalana - January 29

Noca it was so great to read your post, finally sounds like you're going to get the help and support that you need and deserve. I admire your strength and will to get this help.
I hope all goes well with your gp tomorrow.
Sending you hugs, Patty


Noca - January 31

My condition has deteriorated. I can't do this any longer. My pain killers dont even kill the pain anymore, I only take them to avoid withdrawal. My anti-depressants dont do anything either and again I only take them to avoid withdrawal. The amphetamine I was prescribed has ravaged my body as well as the other drugs I'm on. Ive been on amphetamine everyday for the past 6 months. I feel like a meth junkie. I have no appetite, I dont eat anything, I'm literally starving myself to death. I can't stop shaking, stomach aches, and I feel soo weak.

Adderall is a drug from hell, forged in hell by Satan himself. The drug has literally burned my dopamine receptors out and I feel soo depressed.

I need to detox and rehabilitate in a hospital. 5th psych ward visit here I come :( I guess that's where I belong anyways. Good bye everyone.


Canada17 - January 31

I am disappointed that you are unable to find the care you need. From other posts, I have gathered you are from the Hamilton area. I have also gathered that you have more than your fair share of pain and suffering.

Make a scene! Walk into McMaster Hospital and demand to be seen by a doctor. Tell them what you are considering. Maybe you will be admitted but at least you will be getting the care you need. There is no shame in that. It would be far worse for you to continue to try to deal with this alone and only suffer more.

Good luck.


axxie - February 1

Noca, I was just so happy for you when you reported that the doctor had finally figured out what your problems are.

Not so, you are in a bad way, get yourself to MacMaster and tell them what you are going through, the medication you are taking, and tell them you need to be admitted because of your major depression and the drugs you are taking.
Hopefully, they might, or may not. If not then it's time to call your doctor and ask him to get you admitted into a hospital group setting.

I wish you luck my dear and do write to us and let us know how you are feeling today. We worry about you and we are all worried about you.



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