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Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
8 Replies
Noca - March 11

Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom my life gets worse. I have to get this out here cause I can't bottle it up any longer. On February 21st, 2010 a friend of mine choose to end his own life. I have cried everyday since then. I miss him...

I was already in a major depressive episode since January and his death just made me sink deeper. I am struggling right now in school on top of all this. I just had my tutoring funding(the only thing getting me by) cut into 1/3 of what it was, so I'll have to find the money myself.

My physical body is too defected with MHE and FMS to do any physical work anymore so I need to go through university to get any career that I can actually do.

I keep fighting my many illnesses but I'm losing the war. Any progress I seem to make on one illness, my others seem to gain momentum.

I currently see a psychologist, therapist, 4 doctors, and do physiotherapy. Hopefully by the end of this semester my referral to the mood disorders clinic will be processed. After I've been accepted there I'll most likely just check myself into the clinic as an inpatient for however long it takes to beat depression and get my life back.

I feel like a drug addict checking themselves into rehab, only I'm trying to overcome depression, not addiction. This will be my 3rd time as an inpatient as I keep relapsing into Major Depression.

Only 5 more weeks till the end of the semester. I hope I can hold out till then. Thanks for whoever actually read this rambling.


jrzgirl - March 11

Noca, that is alot to deal with, I am sorry for your loss, I to have lost people to suicide, its awful, on top of everything you are going through. you are in my prayers,keep trying to fight, I am in major depression myself,it stinks, no support in my family at all, oh they act like they know how I feel but they really don't, this place is a safe place to come to.


Duo - March 11

I do hope you get some help from the clinic soon. Do you get support from your family and friends - it is sometimes difficult to explain (and for them to truely understand) how you are feeling. Don't be frightened to ask for a change of therapist if you don't feel you can "gel" with the one you have. That may seem strange but my son suffered depression when he was 19yrs. old when his best friend died of cancer and another committed suicide a month afterwards. He changed therapists twice and eventually found someone who seemed to fully understand him. Its a long road but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there - I know I shall pray for you and hope you find comfort in knowing there are loads of FMS buddies out here thinking of you and wishing you well. Big hugs


Noca - March 11

Thank you both for reading and caring about me. It really means a lot. I have a friend who understands depression/anxiety as she has it herself. My best friend of 19 yrs though, will never understand I guess. I've told him and he accepts me who I am so that's good.


ptalana - March 12

Noca, I can't tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your dear friend.
You have definitely been put through more than most. Please know that we are here for you, you're not alone. Is there any other funding that you could qualify for?
I know you may not feel this right now but I admire your fortitude. To handle all your health issues and still be able to go to school is truly admirable!!
I wish there was something I could do for you, all I can offer is my sympathy and empathy. You are truly deserving of better times and I hope that this happens for you very soon.
Sending you gentle hugs, Patty


Fantod - March 12

Hi Noca - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have first hand experience with suicide too. I lost a good friend in my early twenties. The loss of my friend still bothers me and it has been about 30 years.

I think suicide is something that is very difficult to deal with for any survivor. You start second guessing yourself about what you might have done to effect a different outcome. You'll never know that answer. The best thing you can try to do right now is remember your friend during the happier times.

You've had a lot on your plate for a long time. And, like most of us, things never seem to get any simpler. I think your plan to check yourself in when you are approved for the clinic is a good one. The fact that you are willing to even take that step to deal with your depression speaks volumes about your personal strength. You are better than you know or give yourself credit for.

And, I'm glad you thought to share the loss of your friend with us. We are all in this together. Anytime you need to vent, we'll listen.
God bless and take care.


iliveinpain - March 12

Noca, I'm so sorry for your loss. On top of everything you are going thru, to lose a good friend is horrible. Suicide, especially in young people, I think is especially hard. When my daughter was in high school, a friend of hers also took his own life. She was in very bad shape for a very long time. So, I totally understand, I've seen the effects first hand of something like this. Try to take care of yourself, all of this is going to make dealing with your pain that much harder. I know especially when you get depressed you feel like you would just like to give up. I've been there, I think we all have. But we are always here for you. I'm glad that you are taking the necessary steps to help heal your body and your mind... hugs... Judy


solanadelfina - March 12

(Hug) Both you and your friend will be in my prayers, as will your friend's family.

We're always here to listen and provide any strength or aid that we can. I'm glad that you have good friends to help you where you are as well. I admire your strength and determination to get where you need to be with the depression, especially while being in school as well, as well as your wisdom to let things out as you need to.

I wish you the best of luck with the mood clinic and endurance with the rest of the semester until then. Please keep us updated and let us know how you're doing.


kvc33 - March 12

How sad for you to lose a friend this way at this time. I know what you mean when you say that just when one symptom gets better another gets worse. I go through that all the time. Not only that but for a while a particular treatment seems to work only to lose its affect later on. Sometimes I just stop trying for a while and other times I try new things again. What I do know about this illness is that pushing one's self never works for long and makes the illness worse. I keep reminding myself that my health is the most important thing in my life, not money, relationships or anything else. As hard as it is, you must put yourself first. You can't control other people or your circumstances but you can make your own choices as to how to respond to them. Right now you are naturally grieving and will need to give yourself space to do that. I too suffer from anxiety and depression and I know that they distort how I see the world. Other people just move on, I don't. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders despite everything. My best to you.



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