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How often do you visit your parents??
18 Replies
iliveinpain - April 15

I've found that the stress of all the family tension I've been experiencing lately has caused my fibro to flare up more than usual. I've been "staying away" more, but now that adds guilt to the mix - I can't win!

I just was wondering if I could take a quick poll of you all. How often you actually see family/parents?? I think I feel better when I don't, but maybe that's just me....


Noca - April 15

Everyday, I live with them...


feelinghopeless - April 15

I tend to have more anxiety and headaches when I visit. Now I am moving in with them which I don't think will suit me well. We will have to see. I know I will have to practive a lot of relaxation techniques!!


Fantod - April 15

I talk to my family during the week. I may or may not see them on a weekly basis depending on how active I am. They all live about 20 minutes from my house. Now that the weather is improving I hope to be able to get out more. Take care.


Canada17 - April 15

As little as possible.

It is just too stressful, I am all around happier the more time I spend away from them. Even talking to them on the phone gets to me.

I had put a lot of distance between us for a while and then we had Easter Dinner. I thought it would be fine but of course it wasn't and I got very frustrated and stressed out. It seems that I can't say or do anything right according to my father, he is constantly belittling me and I don't even think he realizes he's doing it. My mom does though, except she says nothing and pretends like nothing is wrong.

I've come to realize that the stress isn't good for me and for all the attempts I've made to be a "good daughter" they can't accept me as I am (my dad just wants me to sit quiet and not have an opinion). I have a family of my own now, and that is what matters most. I can't let my health be affected by their negativity.

My husband used to push me to visit and talk to them because he doesn't want there to come a day that I regret putting up a wall. He has now come to know that it is better for me to be protected by the wall. And, after witnessing first-hand the way my dad treats me, he thinks it's probably better if he stays away too.

This is not easy though because we have a child and it is their first grandchild and only granddaughter at this point. So, I am obligated to make appearances.

I sometimes feel guilty because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I want a happy family. But, I've made as much of an effort as I can and it's never been recognized. I can't waste energy on people who don't appreciate it.

With my Fibro now kicking into high gear I have to make decisions based on what is good for my family. And seeing my parents, unfortunately, is not good for my family.


iliveinpain - April 15

Yes Canada, I know what you mean exactly. We've talked briefly about family in the past.

I've had to severely limit my exposure to my 'toxic' family, especially my mother and one of my brothers. It's gotten to be way too much.

Luckily my husband supports me in whatever I decide to do in regard to them. He has witnessed how badly they treat me and becomes so angry with them. I feel guilt at times too, but they don't respect me or appreciate me. I tried to talk things out with them rationally, but I found out you can't be rational with irrational people.

I feel better when I'm away from them too. I haven't gone completely NO contact, but, as close as I can get to it, without being filled with guilt.

We actually have nothing to feel guilty about though, when you think about it. After all, we have the right to expect to be treated with kindness and respect, especially from people who supposedly love us the most.

I've been away from this site for a long time because of all of this and working out these issues and getting therapy. It's not easy work, but definitely worth it for some peace in my life. I wish you peace as well. Take care...


solanadelfina - April 16

I still live at home, but am planning on moving into a house with my brother and his girlfriend. (Probably within the year.) My family is very close and we rally around whoever needs it. (My rheumy told me upon diagnosis that my parents needed to respect me and said that I should leave the country and go volunteer somewhere else or I'd never be emotionally mature. Pshhhht.)


fibromite.u.k. - April 16

Hi, I am new to the forum, just this minute joined. I am sure that my parents have been a lot to do with my bad health. When my mother was alive she caused so many upsets that I tried to put a wall between us, purely so that I could cope. She died in 2001, and I was surprised that I didn't even cry for two months, then it suddenly seemed to hit me, and it was as if that wall I had built had fallen down, and I became so depressed that I had a breakdown and now although I am over that, I am still taking the anti-depressants I was given then and which my doctor advises me to stay on. I now have my father who is aged 88 and has multiple problems, registered blind and deaf, prostrate cancer and heart failure and who absolutely refuses to go into a care home. I am not able to care for him in a physical way, but arrange for his carers, and cleaner to come, order in his meals, sort out his money affairs, and my husband does his shopping. However, as he gets worse I am constantly thinking about him and it seems that most of the conversations in our house are about my Dad. My health has got so much worse in the last year since his health got this way. Before that I was able to walk short distances and go into town on the bus, this now seems impossible for me and I sleep such a lot and always feel on the verge of tears. Yes, I do think that parents can cause us to feel a lot, lot worse.


iliveinpain - April 16

Welcome to the group! You'll find alot of support and information here.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time dealing with your father. You know there are sites you can post on that are quite helpful. That's what I do. I'm on a forum for daughters who have or had our kind of mothers. I find it extremely validating and helpful to talk to other women who understand what I go through. Individual therapy is quite costly and who has the time for that anyway? A good forum is like free group therapy 24/7.


Duo - April 16

I think we all know that stress can trigger a "flare up" and I am so sorry for those of you who don't get support and understanding from your family. I am at the wrong end of 50 so although my daughter and two sons are married and have their own homes they always come to me with their problems. I try to be the one that is supportive to them but they don't realise just how much I worry still about them and my grandchildren (even sometimes when there isn't anything to worry about !!) my husband says I am my own worst enemy and I know he is right. Wouldn't it be wonderful if all us fibros could lead perfectly stress free lives.


fibromite.u.k. - April 16

Hi Duo, you make some good points about stress and I am glad to know that it is most likely that my flare up is due to that. When we are told to live a fairly stress free life by doctors, I wonder how they think we could do that? Perhaps we sould all live on a special stress-free planet, just for us fibromites! I must be about the same age as you, duo, as I am also on the wrong end of the 50's, but my son is only 21 and is about to take his finals at uni, so he is also stressed out. However, he is a great comfort to me and always gives me gentle hugs when I need them. I am sure that how ever old our children are we will always worry about them, it is a mother's natural instinct.


iliveinpain - April 17

Not all mothers are good like us Fibromite, mine is a f&cking bitch!!


solanadelfina - April 17

Actually, when it comes to stress, this is one of the things that has helped me the most to keep in mind. It's a scene from 'Scrubs', the episode 'My Nickname'. Since posting 'urls' is a no-no, one can check youtube with 'Scrubs Make Your Case' or read this.

Elliot- Okay, is my punishment still coming, or is it just the horrible staring? Because the anticipation is killing me.

Dr. Cox (crossing his arms)- Make your case.

Elliot- Um, I'm sorry, what?

Dr. Cox- Well, you tell me why Chorey Mccrazy Chore should get to stay here two more nights.

Elliot- Okay. (Starts pacing.) You don't understand how hard it is for some women to make it on their own nowadays. I mean, Jill is SO exhausted and it's not going to get any easier because she's her own worst enemy. She's constantly trying to please everyone. She judges herself harder than anyone ever does-

Dr. Cox- Have you actually seen what YOU look like today?

Elliot- I know, I'm a skank. And she never says 'no' to anyone, so-

Dr. Cox- Could you swing by my apartment after work, pick up a sample of my dog's stool and bring it to the vet for me?

Elliot- I could do it at lunch. (Pause.)


Elliot- Oh...

Dr. Cox- It's okay. Jill can stay a little longer. And if we're real lucky, she'll realize that it's okay to give yourself a break every once in a while. Right?

Elliot- Yeah...


fibromite.u.k. - April 17

Yes, you are so right iliveinpain. Not all mothers are good ones and when I made that comment I was thinking of myself and what you expect mothers to be like. My own mother must have been one of the most difficult mothers ever. I could write a book (or several books) on the things she used to do and say. I had several miscarriages before I had my son, and when I was pregnant with him, I went to my parents, all joyful about the fact that things were going well this time and to tell them that I was pregant. My mother's response was "Huh, I suppose when you have the baby, you won't have so much time for me". I mean how selfish can you get? I would be overjoyed to know I was going to be a grandmother. When I was a very young child, every time I did the slightest thing wrong, my mother told me that she would get someone to take me away from her or that she would leave me alone. It used to really frighten me. When I was a teenager and beyond, she would never let me go out as she said that she couldn't be left alone and that if I did go out, I would come back and find that she had killed herself and it would be all my fault. My Father meanwhile, used to go out and, I think, ignore what was happening. It wasn't until I left home and got married, that he realised how bad it was and he told me that he had no idea what I had gone through, as by then he was getting it himself all the time. In fact I often wonder if my continued bad health which has always plagued me, may be due to the way I was emotionally abused. The above are just three examples, there were many, many more.


powderblue - April 17

Sorry to hear about your family Your mother sounds like she was very selfish. I find my family can stress me out. I know I am not very good at saying no to people so living in a different city has it's advantages. Yes even talking to them on the phone can be draining and stressful. Living a distance from them means that I have to visit them. When I do visit I find it really hard as I have to stay with them (as I can't afford to stay in a hotel) and being in their company 24/7 is pretty hard. My father keeps asking me when I am going to visit but after the last time I don't really want to stay with him, and even two days would be hard enough. I don't really have the guts to tell him so I guess I will put myself through it. Both my parents can be quite negative at times as well. I have three brothers the one that is the hardest to get on with lives in my country and the others live overseas so I don't see them very often. I agree with Canada that my family probably doesn't really appreciate the effort I make. I think sometimes people just expect you to carry on being the way you are (accommodating etc) and often the difficult family members are just accepted the way they are even if isn't reasonable (and sometimes childish). My family is better in small doses. My extended family and the ones that I get on better with live overseas.


weemama - April 18

Hi: I look after my 94 year old mother who is a wonderful woman, but does not understand my illness at all...She has never heard of it, so in her mind it doesn't exist I guess. I have alot o moments with her, but usually count to ten and leave the room. It is the only way to calm myself. My brother also lives with us as he is inheriting the house when mom leaves us. He is an alcoholic...a very bad alcoholic whom I try to distance myself from, but is hard because my mother is a co dependent. My father was also an alcoholic. My brother also is addicted to gambling so it is a double edged sword. I guess my only release is my job. It is stressful too, but seems to be a place where I can at least smile and talk to normal people. I do have alot of rage some days, but have had to learn to keep it in check. Ahhh life...I wish I had one. Anyway, try counting to ten when things feel like they are closing in on you and think of things that make you does help....and i have become very good at ignoring is kind of fun sometimes.


kvc33 - April 21

I see family perhaps a couple of times a month. I find that time goes fast when I am so busy coping with being ill and I'm not up for a visit a lot of the time. They are busy people as well. I would like to see my Mom once a week and maybe my sister as well. That would probably be enough for me. My parents weren't abusive but were neglectful. We didn't get any of our emotional needs met and at the age of 11 I became depressed. My health problems started from there and I always wonder if that's why I am so ill today. Trouble is, what do I do about it now? I don't have the energy or money for therapy and I tried that in the past to no avail. I want to get well and put the yuck behind me. If I'm ill due to emotional damage then I want to heal in every way, but I have no idea if my unhappiness led to this illness. Lots of people had horrible childhoods but aren't sick.



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