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Can't fight anymore....
8 Replies
Amanda Lepto - June 12

Hi, I was told I had Fibro. 20yrs ago, back then it was considered another "made-up" disease to shut up the complainers, however I remember asking for help with the pain as a child. I have suffered from increased anxiety, depression, agoraphobia and suicidal tendencies. I now cut and burn myself, I have a chronic eating disorder, and I am in constant pain. I have been in three different mental institutions and had everything from light therapy to electric shock therapy, and taken all the pills they have to offer. My husband left after 25yrs cause' he couldn't take it anymore, I don't socialize and I rarely call my family, I do have 2 wonderful boys ages 20 and 23. I'm tired now, tired of being patted on the head and given more drugs, I no longer take pain meds because i become addicted, I'm tired of people telling that if I eat right and exercise everything will be fine, and most of all, I am tired of being so sad, I hate myself so much, that will never change, many people have tried. The only thing that is keeping me alive right now is my 20yr old, he still needs me and they will still give me xanax. I feel so close to just giving up, my spirit is crushed, my heart is broken and my body is not far behind....where do u go to from here, what reason is there to wake up and to feel the same pain as yesterday, and the same sadness, and know that no mater what nothing will ever change? I don't expect answers, I certainly don't expect cures, I guess I just felt like telling someone who could maybe relate.........


VictoriaB - June 13

Hi Amanda, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. You are right, there is no fix or cure, but for me also having some of these feelings, I have learned the only way for me to cope is just to take it one day at a time. I will be praying for you...........don't give up because they (the researchers) may eventually discover something that will definately help us besides more meds!


hellou - June 14

Dear Amanda
I know how you feel. I can't help you but sometimes just knowing that another person feels exactly the same can stop you from thinking that you are going crazy. I feel the way that you have explained ,most of the time too and I have had this terrible illness for 20 years. As I am getting older it is getting harder to cope with and more unmanageable. I could put up with the pain and the physical problems if only I could get relief from the emotional torture that goes on inside the head. We lose our sense of self and we become the illness... it is so unfair. Like you I have taken the dietry , medication supplementation advice and I have spent a fortune on this. I now feel that this illness just picks and chooses when it is going to be kind to you and when it isn't. Never the less we should keep trying to help ourselves.I don't have any answers and just live in hope that one day some clever and understanding person will find a cure for us. Thinking of you.. you are not alone.


VVickers - June 16

Amanda: You ARE NOT alone and please don't give up. We are all here for you and want to listen, understand and help you! Please just keep posting and we will keep writing. Together we can all make it through this. Love and Prayer...Vicki


Gabbie - June 17

Amanda, my heart goes out to you as it sounds like you are having such a difficult time. Fibro is awful, but I try to hold on to the thought that eventually there will be something that can be done to really take the pain away. You mentioned that you are taking xanax and I wonder if some of your problems could be a side effect of it. People not familiar with fibro really don't understand what we are going through because for the most part we don't look sick so their ideas of helping really don't. I am hoping that your doctor is a rheumatologist that deals with fibro patients. I hope you will stay with this forum because the people here really understand and just reading what other people post can be a source of comfort and often encouragement. I discovered this forum last year and I can't tell you how much it has helped me to read about others, ask questions and sometimes respond to other posts. Stay with us please, we are all listening.


Rosalyn - June 18

Hi I know how you feel (bet you get sick of hearing that one,but most people who say havent got a clue)
I've had for years too but my doctors dont seem to bother trying anything new I go for my reviews at the doctors but to be honest when I get in the room I just think its pointless say that my tablets are crap cos I dont even think they know how to deal with this ilness. I went to the hospital right back when it started was told what it was and sent home . I only had my tablets changed a couple of times and they dont make much differance anyway but mind I dont think I could manage with out them . I'm due a review soon and this time I'm definateley going to say something my memory is getting really bad, it's scarey.My husband is great he does do alot but works aswell but even so I still get fed up with him he forgets there are alot of things I cant do or can if I want to be no good for nothing for a few days cos I dont look any different people forget.The last couple of years my kids have got a bit out of hand not anything bad they just seem to do alot of there own thing and when I try to put my foot down they dont seem to take any notice they arent bad kids I just dont seem to have much control over them .My middle son has stopped going to school he hasnt been since before christmas.He's suffering with depression ,anxiaty,& mood swings all this just at his most important time he's nearly 15 such a great kid and I cant do alot to help him cos even he doesnt know why he cant go he cant even go up to his friends house(they live in the same street) on his own sometimes he has got a councilor who is lovely and thinks he could also be slitely autistic but its all just a waiting game .. I do really know how you feel its no fun this illness and you got to have to know .I could go on for ever but I wont bore you to much this will probably sound very annoying but try and keep your chin up the dark clouds do get brighter now and again as you will know never totally sunny sky's but brighter spells.


Fantod - June 20

Hello Amanda - I am just checking in for a minute to see how things are with you. We alll have grey days with FMS. It certainly helps to be able to talk to people who are living with it. Have you considered seeing if your local hospital knows of a support group for folks with FMS close to your home? I'd call the physician referral service and inquire. Speaking for myself, I go through these sorts of phases too. I'm "lucky" to have a close friend with FMS. We can tell each other how we really feel and that certainly helps. I know I get caught in what seems like an endless cycle of medication, more medication and doctor's visits to no avail. I've found that finding something to do that really involves using your noggin (like genealogy) helps relieve some of the stress and oppression. I may not be able to do everything that I used to do but it gives me a sense of worth without a lot of physical energy expended. I just wanted you to know that someone was thinking of you today. Take care.


ozkells - July 15

I am worried Amanda. You haven't responded and your last post was really quite scary. I feel the same way so often, but have only been suffering for half the time you have. The hardest part is feeling like we've made it all up, I feel like it all the time. People TRY to help, or act like they understand, but it just doesn't change that we feel like phonies. Amanda, please respond just so we know you are ok. I am truly worried about you.


katrinas - July 17

Let me first say how much people like me need to. Your story reminds me that I am not alone; therefore you are not alone. I'm so sorry that you have to suffer so much. I have had fibro now for almost 10 years, and I have had bi-polar and IBS all of my adult life. It is a difficult life. It affects every aspect of your life, so I understand that it has done so much damage to you. Please try to hang in there. My hope is that a cure will be found. You mentioned you don't want to take pain medication because it is addicting, but meds are addicting when they are abused by people who don't need them. You, on the other hand, need pain relief. What's the worst that can happen? You get "addicted" and you spend the rest of your life with less pain? That's not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you don't abuse the drugs and take only what your doctor perscribes. I have found relief with neurontin 1200mg 3 x a day and oxycontin 80 mg 3 x a day. I still have pain, but at least I can now walk without a walker. We're here for you. I hope to see you post again soon. In the meantime, remember you are not alone.



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