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Feeling LOST:(
8 Replies
ptalana - January 3

This new year I made a promise to myself that I would try to forgive people who have done or said some extremely hurtful things to me. Many of you probably remember some of these things from previous posts. I'm finding it extremely hard to master the forgiving, not forgetting aspect.
All of my issues are having a devestating effect on my relationship with my hubby!!! I've been carrying such guilt that he's stuck with me. A family member even came up to me stating how lucky I was that he hasn't walked out on me, and he only knows of my being in a wheelchair!!!!
I feel like I've lost the very essence of me, no matter how I try to pretend to be strong. Everyday I determine to be a better person, stronger, driven, loving and open. But then my insecurities set in, can't walk without aid, body disfigured from scoliosis, no money to get hair done, can't afford to dress like I used to, you all know what I mean. I am embarassed of what I've become, totally dependant on my hubby!!!! Not only financially but since I've lost my licence due to severe vertigo, getting anywhere, and due to extreme financial hardship we had to sell my vehicle. Just seeing it in the driveway gave me hope that maybe someday I could get behind the wheel again.
My hubby now looks at me differently, says I make him feel guilty when he goes out with his friends. I truly don't mean to, but I know that I'm sruggling with forgiving one of his friends (ex-wife) for treating me poorly in the past. My way of dealing with these situations in the past was always to distance myself from negativity and people who made me feel badly about myself, is this wrong???? Every event and or party this person is always there. Hubby says he doesn't even get invites anymore because of me. He just doesn't understand how ashamed I am of the way I look now. He blames me for our financial problems, stating that he used to be able to do whatever he wanted to in the past, now he doesn't tell his friends how horrible his life is!!!
I'm so confused and lost, I don't want to make anyone unhappy. Thanks for letting me rant guys, I obviously have no one else who understands that I just fell LOST!!!!!

 

tnichel - January 3

Hi ptalana. I'm am sorry you are dealing with so much right now. No, you are not wrong for distancing yourself from the negativity and those who make you feel bad. You have enough to deal with so you don't need their b.s. However, that can make you feel even more lonely since some friendships may end b/c of that. I've been there. We already spend enough time alone so losing friends can be tough and doesn't help being lonely.

As far as the husband., I don't have one so I can't really give you advice on that. Maybe seeing a therapist (I know, the money issue) or maybe a book can help the two of you. He needs to know how you feel and vice versa. It could help you all in a constructive way. It hurts me to hear you are so down on yourself but I think the feelings of inadequacy are normal for anyone dealing with all you are going thru. Truthfully, I barely date due to the same things you mentioned and it's just too stressful on me b/c I also feel inadequate at times.

Thanks for sharing. You aren't alone. Please know that I care and I hear you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Fibrohugs.

 

Canada17 - January 4

I agree with tnichel.

You said, "a family member even came up to me stating how lucky I was that he hasn't walked out on me" That comment says more about the person making it than your husband.

It is natural for your husband to feel the way he does. My husband struggles daily with the stress of trying to make sure he's doing everything he can to help me with my pain. Maybe your husband feels guilty because he is supposed to be the man and protect you and he can't protect you from this.

The two of you need to talk and be honest with each other. If not, the tension will increase and you will begin to resent each other for feeling the same way and not even realizing it. That is not to say that the two of you won't have disagreements, no couple does. It is how you deal with those disagreements that is important. Ignoring them and pushing on silently will always make you feel worse.

One of the best pieces advice I got at my wedding (from more than one person) was, "Never go to bed angry with each other." It's great advice.

 

Fantod - January 5

Hi ptalana - I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. You are right to be concerned about your husband's reactions especially since I saw your recent post about being a "druggie" (outrageous!) under another category. It sounds like there is a complete breakdown of communication in your household. I have some observations that I want to share. I hope that you will take them in the spirit that they are intended as I can be rather blunt at times (especially when I am tired...). I want you to know that I think of you as a friend and enjoy reading what you have to say about life or anything else that you are willing to share on this forum.

First of all, I want to address how you are feeling about your appearence and independence. When you get right down to brass tacks, what is inside a person makes them beautiful to others not all the trappings that money can buy. Anyone who thinks less of you because the expenses related to your illness have forced you not to wear the latest fashion and get your hair done needs a reality check. You have got to stop being so hard on yourself about this. In effect, you are making yourself undesirable by harboring this attitude. It seems to permeate your every waking hour. That is one source of negative energy that you don't need in your house. I think that the last straw was when your car had to sold. You have lost all hope. That is no way to live. I want to encourage you to find a minister or some other source of counseling that you can afford. Clearly you (both) need someone to talk to face to face. In my area, Catholic Social Services offers counseling (you don't have to Catholic) for little or no money. You could also try the United Way.

As for that woman who dissed you - forget about it. Life is too short to dwell on her foolishness. You are wasting good energy that you need to function on her meaness. She doesn't deserve the attention. Here is my trick for annoying people - picture them in some lingere that is totally inappropriate for their build, age etc. This is a trick that I used when waitressing years ago whenever I had the customer from hell at one of my tables. Hold on to that mental image everytime you see her. Life has a funny way of leveling the playing field. One of these days, it will catch up to her.

You and your husband need to sit down and calmly discuss your problems. Is there anyone else who can assist with whatever caregiving duties he has assumed? It is very common for caregivers to get burned out. My Dad has mild dementia; we all take turns helping my mother but even with that she gets stressed out. You need to make a doctor's appointment to specifically address his medication concerns and so that the doctor can communicate with him directly about your health, emotional and pain issues. Personally, I feel that he is just tired of the whole thing (like you're not!) and his ability to cope has gone down in flames. It is easier to say that he can't do or buy what he wants anymore than say that he is feeling like less than a man because he can't take care of you.

Marriage is supposed be "for better or worse" but these days that phrase seems to get lost in translation. Work on making small changes instead of trying to be Super Woman every day. Pick one thing and work on it rather than setting yourself up for failure with too many changes at once. Have you thought about journaling your frustrations? I have every confidence that you can do this. You are a smart, and articulate woman. Make lemonade with those lemons and get on with it! Take care - I'll be thinking of you.

 

ptalana - January 5

Thanks all for the shoulder, and the great advice!!! Sometimes it's hard to see the truth when you are trying to pretend that things haven't changed (does this make sense)??? I've been waiting to have a comprehensive pain treatment program, including some therapy approved from insurance co. I guess I've been kidding myself by believing I can handle everything on my own!!! You know the whole superwoman thing;) Thanks again guys you're the best, Patty

 

tnichel - January 7

Hi Patty. I've been thinking about your situation. What do you think about each of you writing one another a letter? It's a good way to get out everything you need to say without fear sounding angy or whether it will upset one of you. Some find it easier to address everything in a letter. You may even find the two of you were concerned about the same issues. Then you two can compare and talk about what each of you said in your letter. I don't know, just a thought.

 

ptalana - January 10

Tnichel, thanks for the letter suggestion it's a super idea and one that we are going to implement.
I'm very ashamed to admit that a such a large part of my pre fms life was based on looking perfect, having the best clothes, blah, blah, blah.... It became such a huge part of who I was and how I looked at myself. Even though deep down I always knew that what was inside was far more important, I've always strived to be it all!!! Ya know pleasing everyone at all times, or I felt I was failing. We women can be very hard on ourselves, why is that????? I hope you guys don't think too badly of me and how long it's taking me to adjust to my life now. My hubby and I have sat down and really talked and will continue to do so and are both confident in our commitment to work through our issues. We both have been carrying some of the same feelings of guilt and frustration, who knew????
Thanks again everyone for all your advice and for the great shoulder to lean on, Patty

 

anna1 - January 16

hi....it made me sad to read your post..im new to here....just finally been diognosed....i too enjoyed being the woman i was...i have to fake my contentment for my childrens sake..not to worry them i have to get by being a mom in pain,without showing them the agony im in...my partner gave up on me beore the diognosis...in a way im glad....i suffer alone...i too was a woman with essence...until i met the enemy...FYBROMYALGIA.
i think if people had abit more understanding of fm it would be easier to live with..i use to be a model..then i was a keen artist ...but now i cant walk that far...and my hands just dont work anymore...lol.but we were...and we still can be...women.
please dont be sad....i am like you..one of many ,who suffer....but we are one of the few who really know what it really means..
i hope you can find something brighter in your days...x

 

ptalana - January 26

Hi Anna, thank you so much for the support and kind words. It's so great to have such an amazing group to talk to and who understand because they feel it too. I'm sorry that your partner left, but sounds like it's their loss! And you sound like your handling this situation really well.

I'm also having problems with my hands, drying my hair is slowly becoming impossible. Not to mention writing, even signing my name!

Hope this finds you well, Patty

 

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