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Sexual Side Effects?
7 Replies
DGW - November 24

Hi, I'm new to the forum here.
My wife (37 years old) has FMS and though I am in good health myself, I do see the effects of FMS on a daily basis.

My wife didn't have this disease when I first met her. She had a great job, was extremely active and ambitious and now ... she's just a completely different person, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

She is 37 years old ... sleeps constantly and has absolutely no sex drive.
I have asked her repeatedly to discuss it with her doctor, thinking the cause may be certain medications, but she won't ask.

I'm used to a very active sex life and consider intimacy to be an important part of any relationship, but for the past two years it has been practically non-existant.

Not only does this make me feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, unattractive, etc., but it also makes me feel a bit guilty even having to "ask" her for sex.

How do healthy spouses deal with this?

I love my wife, but this is not the woman I married. This disease has not only taken over her life, but I feel at times that it has taken over mine as well. :(

 

David Brown - November 24

DGW,
Your question is not uncommon,

I have been through the same thing.

My wife was exactly the same as you say yours is. I took the bull by the horns and made the appointment with the doctor and went through all the concerns, medication, treatment, side effects, stress you name it I brought it up. The GP was great he took time to discuss each point.

Finally I just dropped in the sex question and again he explianed the issues.

We then spoke about it along with everything else I did not make it the bee end of everything but kept it as the same as everything else.

We then took it slowly like dating for the first time step by step, now its part of our normal life,

good luck slowly but surely

 

DGW - November 24

Thanks for the response David.
I'm just not sure what "taking it slow" means or how that would help increase my wife's libedo.

Do you remember what explanation your doctor gave?
Is this due to all the medication or is this a direct result of the disease?

I understand the "fatigue" aspect and physical restrictions, but I'm thinking there must be some sort of chemical imbalance involved as well ... I don't know.

Unfortunately, this problem has lead to alot of arguements, as well as feelings of guilt, and resentment.

Maybe things would be different if it weren't for the fact that we're both still quite young and this was not how things were when we first met.

As far as discussing things with her doctor ...
She has so many doctors, I wouldn't know where to start. Not to mention the fact that I don't have a whole lot of faith in ANY of her doctors at this point.

 

David Brown - November 24

DGW.

ok more than one point here, lets start with the doctor thing.

I made an appointment with her GP, took a load of questions about medication, tretment, made like the appointment was for me not her, but I needed her there to help me. I also had no faith in the doctor so I went armed with the questions and the answers. I did not go overboard but I let him know I knew my stuff. we talked it out clean cut. This also convinced the wife I did understandf and I was on herside.

We discussed the drugs she was on (me having checked the internet for information and side effects) when we talked about the sex aspect I pointed out that some of the coctail of medication caused reduced sexual drive. We also discussed the effects of other aspects of the medication, this led to changing medication trial and error.

One of the things not talked about is the stress effects on all parties, well one of the side effects of stress is you guessed it, double edged sword no sex more stress more stress less sex drive.

So what I am saying is you have to approach this on many levels, make her feel good! remember what you did that attracted you to each other, I know it sounds soppy but do the romantic thing movies, vidoes by the fire, single roses you name do it but dont expect sex at the end of the evening, you didnt when you first went out?

The old saying one base at a time it will happen.

As for being fairly young us too fantastic sex life to no sex life "killer". Everything went through my mind including leaving. In the cold light of day, you need to commit to this long term convince her of the same thing.

As for the sex thing I hate to be a bit crude but its in the hunt that increases the pleasure.

 

Fantod - November 24

I'm going to interject some comments into this conversation as a female who has FMS. First of all, I would recommend that you make an appointment for your wife with a new rheumotologist. You can get a fibro-friendly rheumy by going to the National Fibromyalgia Association website and asking them for a referral in your area. You can also call your local hospital physician referral service and ask them for one. A fresh set of eyes would certainly not hurt. I'd also recommend finding a pain specialist and a mental health therapist for cognitive therapy. Since you do not have a lot of faith in her doctors, these options give you some control over the situation. In my opinion, sleeping all of the time is not normal. It is a symptom of profound depression. All of us FMS folks need extra rest but what you have described sounds more like depression. DB makes a good point about investigating the side effects of any medication she is on by using the Internet. You should make a detailed list of questions and her current medications and dosage to take with you to the new doctor/s. This is not going to get fixed immediately. It takes time and considerable tinkering to get the right combination of medication to treat FMS. Finally, until your wife gets some help with her depression, I would think sex is the last thing on her mind. Physically it actually can hurt for someone with FMS to be hugged or touched. For some of us, even clothing touching skin can be a problem. This is why I am recommending that you do a sort of an intervention on her situation. As a loving spouse you need to put your foot down and help her get the help she needs. Apparently she is currently inacapable of asking for herself. By working through this with her, I think some of the closeness you are missing will eventually reappear. I hope some of my comments are helpful to you. Take care.

 

DGW - November 25

Thank you both for your comments and suggestions.
You've both been extremely helpful.

 

David Brown - November 26

DGW

No problem if you want to talk just yell.

 

jadiegirlcat - January 13

As a wife with FMS I understand what your concerns and I agree with all the suggestions posted here Gentlemen, just remember, don't forget to touch her. If it hurts her ask where it doesn't. Massages are great ways to start. I have a wonderful loving husband who was afraid if he so much as touched me I would break. Thankfully we had a discussion about that with my doctor. Those of you into science, touch releases endorphins, the feel-good chemicals in your brain.
Good luck DGW you sound like great guy and your wife is lucky to have you!

 

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