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I'm a newbie and need support
3 Replies
dc1261 - December 20

I spouse has been dealing with fms for the last 15+ years of marriage tha has made her fustrated with life. She is also a breat cancer survivor for 8 years now and has suffered alot of loss death of her mother, close uncle, and a cousin during the time she was preparing for a masectomy. During this time see withdrew from and clinged to others for support, leaving me feeling left out and not needed during a most challenging time in her life and mine. I love my wife and has not stop loving her but she has put up boundaries and very assertive with reminding me of them. Making the story short, I am sad, overwhelmed, and sometimes resentful. I feel that I am causing her stress that causes the fms to flame up. I only want to talk, receive some affection and intimacy. I have stop persuing her because I don't want her body to hurt and also because the rejection has hurt me so much. There is so much I could share about how the breast cancer, fms, and my mistakes in choices have affected us. At this time I am feeling that I am the cause of my wifes illnesses and that I should move so that she can become whole again. Lateley I have given her lots of space and I continue to work and provide for the home and do as much as I can around the house. ladies please help me understand what my spouse is feeling and thinking she very rarely talks with me.


Fantod - December 21

dc1261 - Welcome to the board. Clearly your wife is extremely angry with you. You made a reference to making mistakes which leads me to believe that is at the heart of the matter. I would very gently suggest that you find a counselor that specializes in chronic illness patients. You can call your local hospital and ask for the physician referral service. They should be able to match you up with someone. Or, Google your metro area. Go see the counselor by yourself and talk to them about your situation. You and the counselor will have to formulate a plan based upon what you tell them about your marriage etc. I think that this is the best course of action right now. There are a lot of complicated issues that go along with everything that your wife has gone through. I commend you for continuing to try and reach her. God Bless and take care.


dc1261 - December 21

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. I have been seeing a therapist to focus on me. See my wife has felt that I have been a negative person, she has felt that I did not want the children we have together, she has even to had them to believe that I was bi-polar at one time. I have had sadness simply because all what we have been through. I have never tried to change her, however, she has tried to change me; I am who I am, easygoing, caring, and one who will take care of my family no matter what it takes. I have always been a one woman man committed her only. My wife holds onto everything that disappoints her and does not want to talk about it, she believes she can work through it herself with out discussing it with me. During the time of the breast cancer and loss of her love ones, she never sought any counseling. I tried to encourage her to seek counseling, but she would good upset and say she can handle it herself. However, each time we get into a deep discussion about where we are at and her health, she tends to bring up me and mistakes, my negative thought patterns; basically beats me down. She has a way of causing me to feel like I am the problem. Just recently she stated to me that I was the problem. At that time I just shut down and would not talk with her to avoid the stress she would feel if i expressed that she had hurt me. I am choosing not to argue with her, One knowing that she at this time cannot or does not want to empathise with how I feel and two, to avoid causing her stress. Yeah, I do understand that we have a big challenge, however, there are the medications she is getting from her doctor (oxycodone, trazonone, and vanflaxatine. The side effects of the 21/2 year use of the oxycodone are very prevalent at this time, I have observed them often. She is not the woman, I knew and I believe it is because of the medications without going through counseling. At this time she does not know what she wants, is fearful for her health, desperately try to avoid the breast cancer coming back. Believe it or not I understand this, what I don't understand is why would anyone push away the very person who loves and cares so much for them. Actually if this distance between us was not there, I would feel much better. I want the best for her and my girls. Currently, she is in the drivers seat rather we stay married, as for me I am there to love her and support her. If that means she wants to go seperate ways I will accept it and pray that she will get well. My work is to get through feeling like I caused all this to happen to my spouse. I know this sight is about FMS support and I'm sorry if I changed the focus somewhat. However, I am so thankful for finding this sight and for those who respond if you think I should stop I will. I am just trying to reach out to those who may Understand what my spouse is going through and how this affects my girls and myself.


Fantod - December 21

I think that you need to go and talk to an attorney about your options before she does. I'm really glad to hear that you are already seeing a therapist which is a smart move on your part. You need the additional support.

It is pretty clear to me that your wife is really unhappy with life in general and you are part of that category. If she won't go to therapy that really limits your options. And, you are probably right that to some degree her medication regimen is affecting her judgement. Other than staging a professionally supervised intervention with other family members to get her into therapy there is nothing you can do about it.

You can choose to stay and put up with whatever she wants to dish out or leave. The most important thing (to my mind) in all of this is to make sure that the kids are OK. You don't sound like someone who would say vindictive things to your children about their Mom. If you are willing and as commited as you say to see that she has what she needs to handle her health issues and household expenses - go. You can meet your obligation as a loving spouse and have some peace in your life.

I know that this is probably very hard to digest. You did not cause her illness - it was just luck of draw. Life happens and we all have to deal with it. I can certainly understand the basis of her fears being totally disabled at a relatively young age by Fibromyalgia (FMS) and some underlying conditions. I manage them rather than letting them manage me. It is a concious decision on my part. And, yes, I see a couselor too. If I sat around pointing fingers at everything or everyone who makes me unhappy it would be a waste of an otherwise good life. I hope that some of this is making sense to you. If you need to continue posting, I don't see a problem. You are, afterall, dealing with a spouse who has FMS. Take care.



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