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How do you make spouse know you can't do as you use to
7 Replies
squaw14 - September 3

I supported him when he broke his back. I fed the animals and mowed the acreage and even threw and carried feed and hay. Now, we just had a big fight and after 33 years I am ready to call it quits. I was simple. We live in a small house. I use to have an area where I made storage for me. Papers, supplies, everything I needed. A year ago he moved them out to put in a new tub. He refused to move back in because he would when area painted. He has continuously refused any ideas I had to close of area. Before this he got a 24x30 shop and 12x20 canopy for his STUFF. Now he refuses to let me have that area and wants to shove my stuff in his shop which is already full. I haven't had my stuff for over a year and rarely go out to his shoop for 1) walking an issue 2. can't find 3. going out there leaves me with little energy to do anything. How can a person get there stuff back without a divorce? Why can't he recognize and show me the same care and concern as I do his diabetes- restless leg- and back and arthritis? I am so sick of giving giving and having to fight for anything in return. HIs diabetes has stopped all sex life so he is cold and distant. I lived with that but he can't live with my hurting. Any ideas as I am ready to let 33 years go down the tube.

 

MsIvy - September 9

I don't know if he would be open to it, but I strongly recomend counseling - there are counselors that deal specifically with Chronic Illness's. It seems like the bigger issue is that his actions are showing that he does not value your things and he doesn't value YOU because if he did he would recognize how important it is to you and HE WOULD WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU, especially something so easy to give - know what I mean. So it sounds like your relationship is in a lot more trouble than bickering over space - and if you want to save your marriage seek a specialist! If your foot hurts go to a podiatrist, if you cant see well go to an eye doctor.....and if your relationship hurts GO TO A RELATIONSHIP DOCTOR before its too late. I am in much of the same situation as you, my husband and I are struggling - going to counseling, it has helped. I wish you peace

 

axxie - September 15

Gees, I'm sorry you are having so much pain, not just the physical pain but also the emotional pain. Have you gotten any medication for your fibro, the reason I'm asking is maybe medication such as cymbalta may help you manage your low energy, the pain and also the mental problems we have when dealing with the pain.

I was in such a place about a year ago, and I started on cymbalta, it helped me, be calmer and have less pain, and it gave me time to sleep so that I could feel better.

I'm not saying your hubby will give you back your papers or the room, but maybe you will find a way to deal with it all. See clearly and not be so emotional.

I know what it's like to not have your things or have a man who is stubborn, distant etc. I have one and we had a big blow today, I'm always to blame and no matter what I want, well I don't get just like you, sometimes I feel I deserve better and want to get out, you see my fight started with my 16 year daughter and it became a huge fight and trying to discipline her, my hubby got in the middle and meddle the whole thing, well needless to say, it was worst for him to put his two cents worth.

Now I have a 16 year old who would rather live somewhere else and a husband who thinks what he does it best, and I'm emotional. Yes, sometimes I want to leave, 25 years down the tube, but I found that talking to my therapist and taking my cymbalta gives me a perspective to live longer and that life sometimes just seem to present itself in a way that we don't comprehend.

May I suggest you see a counseller to help you and see your primary physician to get some help with medication. I promise you will feel differently, think more clearer and see ways to deal with the problems you are having.

When things go wrong, remember to write, duck your head, hold on to your heart and remember you will be alright!

I hope you see some light, through this difficult times. Remember there are people who love you and are here to support you.

Sandrivers

 

GrannyGrad - September 15

I know this may be hard to hear, but the only person whose responses you can control is you. I'm a grad student specializing in counseling studies, so please understand I'm not a professional yet (soon, in March), but I would definitely recommend that you seek a counselor, even if your husband refuses to go with you. It sounds very much like there is a co-dependency issue involved; believe it or not, he probably needs you more than you need him but that is moot if his actions spell thoughtlessness and disregard. Be sure to find a counselor who specializes in these kinds of issues; not every counselor is a good one, so check around first as to their expreience, reputation, etc.

I once had a man who acted very much like you describe your husband as being. It took me a long time to get out of the marriage (as I believe deeply in commitment) and many years of counseling to get over the way he treated me. Today, I am married to a man (13 yrs. now) who places regard for my well-being as equal to his own. He has diabetes and heart-disease and has to wear a brace on his leg, but he does not use it as an excuse for selfishness. Here's praying you will get the help you need.

 

jrzgirl - February 14

How do I find the right therapist? I am in NJ. I have the same problem with my husband, 33 yrs wasted as far as I am concerned, and co- dependency is my problem, you are right, he needs me more than I need him but no money, and no job plus health issues = a mental hospital is where I think I belong, no one in my family cares or understands.

 

Sonja44 - February 15

Take clothes pins and put them on HIM everywhere you hurt. Then ask him how it feels...then tell him its how you feel (and then some) 24/7.

Good luck

 

Canada17 - February 16

I have to agree with the suggestion that you and your husband meet with a counselor who deals with chronic illnesses. The two of you obviously have a lot to talk about and it needs to be in a constructive way.

It sounds like you resent your husband for all the sacrifices you made for him. But, you made those sacrifices because you love him. It is difficult when we do things for the people we love and expect that they would do the same for you and then they don't. We have to remember that everyone handles things differently.

This is exactly why it is important to talk to each other with the help of a mediator. That person will be able to see the two of you from the outside and can give perspective, almost like a translator.

The easiest thing to do is stop trying and walk away. But, nothing worth having ever comes easy. It's not how often you argue that matters, it's how you resolve the conflict.

 

ptalana - February 25

I was brought up to treat others as you would have others treat you. Not once was it mentioned that automatically others would treat you as you wanted to be treated! This is something I struggle with all the time. I have to remind myself that I can only control my actions and not the reactions of an other.
Even with my siblings we were all brought up in the same household, same morals, although at times I have questioned this. Many times I've reached out to family members (not an easy thing for me to do) and have been rejected. Getting past this has proven to be a challenge for me.
I also strongly believe the most important and meaningful things in our lives do not come easy, and take work.
Finding a counselor who specializes in chronic illness issues could be of great benefit to all of us. After all once we accept the negativity of others it then becomes our issue, and this can have a definite effect on our pain levels. Learning how to react to others is key to our happiness, and also a huge part of maintaining a healthy relationship.
I hope that you can work through the issues that you're having in your life right now. I know how hard it is when you feel the love and compassion you give so freely isn't returned.
Take care, Patty

 

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