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Two weeks from hell
14 Replies
kvc33 - December 11

Hi Guys, I just really need to tell someone what's been going on for me. Over the past year I have had a feeling of being lost and being outside of my body watching myself at times. It didn't really bother me and then all of a sudden it morphed into a mental illness. I woke up after a few hours of sleep and felt like I didn't exist at all, like I was just floating in outer space. I lost my identity and felt very detached from everything and everyone around me. This caused a massive panic attack. Since then I have had at least six panic attacks, some lasting for minutes and others lasting for hours. Do you know you can lose weight that way? LOL. My naturopath believes it may be a side affect from one of the meds I've been taking for years so I've stopped taking it. I had to create some coping techniques super fast in order to avoid a mental hospital. I discovered that what I am experiencing is called depersonalization disorder. I got a book on it and have also developed some of my own coping skills by thinking it through. I feel detached from my own thoughts and body and feel like I died that night. I wasn't even really sure whether or not I was eating and drinking but I now know that I am. People can't tell by talking to me that I have this unless I've told them about it. It has affected my memory and I'm quite foggy. In the last month I've also been dealing with bad allergies and headaches. Then my roof leaked and the fridge quit. I dread Christmas because I'm left out of things and this dark winter weather doesn't help. Neither does that fact that for the first time in my life I'm having trouble paying my bills. I am shocked at all of this. I was doing okay in October and suddenly everything changed. All I can do to keep functioning is to try to remember the normal things I used to do and who I used to be and copy it. At the same time my great chiropractor has decided to just up and quit leaving me without the support I need from him. He charged me so little, I can't afford to see someone who charges more. I guess life has to get better but I'm afraid it will just think of something else to torture me with. Thanks for reading, I appreciate all of you.

 

slb71 - December 11

i am so so sorry you have been going through all of this. i think anyone else who may be going through all of this would be feeling as lost as you are. you mentioned you stopped taking one of your meds. has that helped at all? are you feeling any better? i hope you find the right dr to help you through this. i will be praying for you. hang in there.

 

Stacey373 - December 11

Hi Kvc - I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. We are all here to listen and give support. I hope things start going better for you...you're in my thoughts.

Take Care, Stacey :o)

 

Fantod - December 11

kvc33- I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time lately. You are one tough person to take charge and figure out what was going on. I really hope that things turn around for you soon. I hope that you are feeling better by the time that you read this post. You are not alone and I will keep you in my prayers. God bless and keep you safe.

 

pam80 - December 11

Hi kvc33. I'm sorry that you're not feeling well. I totally understand about the fogginess and headaches. You're not alone! I am thinking about you-hang in there and try to stay positive.

Pam

 

kvc33 - December 11

Without this forum I don't know what I'd do now. I feel hopeless. For sixteen years I have been trying to overcome my illness to the degree where I can just have a social life. It hasn't worked and I think that there is no hope now. I make an effort to call, e-mail people and so on and at the time they are receptive but it never results in a call, e-mail or invitation back. My own Mother has deserted me my whole life. She keeps herself busy and happy and that's all that seems to matter. I reach out as much as I can emotionally handle and get very little back. She hasn't even called me for at least a couple of weeks. She doesn't know what I've been going through and I probably won't even tell her as I doubt it would result in anything positive. One day she's going to get a call saying that I'm in the hospital. Will she care then?

 

axxie - December 12

KVC33, when you say you are having out of body experience is what we call Panic Attacks. Sure can scare you, and you are also going through medical depression from the medication you where taking (You said you quit) not a thing to do, have you talked to your doctor that you have just quit, that is not recommend, because you're body will be deprived of this fixe and you will go through what we call a chemical withdrawal and will propelle you in a major depression. Please see your doctor as soon as possible and explain what you have done and that what you are say are out of body experience are actually panic attack.

My dear friend, I have read and re-read your post, and you are in a depression, partly from the panic attack, partly due to the chemical sensitivity you are experiencing with the medication you were taking and now feeling like you are trying to cope and it's getting harder by the minute.

Please do go see your doctor and get referred to a hospital psychiatrist (the reason I mention hospital psychiatrist is because they are usually low cost)

I am afraid for you, I went through a similar thing sometime ago and I have learned that I am very sensistive to medication and alot of medication that are what they call the new drugs for depression will give you what you have experienced.

Please for your safety and to not go further in a depression.

Good luck to you

 

kvc33 - December 12

Hi Axxie, Thanks for your response. The medication I was taking was not for depression and was not an anti-depressant. I was advised to stop taking it by my naturopath who is also a medical doctor and used to practise as a MD. The out of body experience I have is not the same as my panic attacks. With the panic attacks my heart pounds, I get very hot, and feel like I'm dying. I also feel like vomiting. Depersonalization disorder is different from that but can be very scary. It is a feeling of detachment from everything including one's own thoughts. Some people aren't bothered by it but it terrifies me at times and brings on panic. I haven't gotten worse since stopping the med, but you are right I am very depressed and also hormonal right now. I am not able to take anti-depressants do to high sensitivity to them. I will go to the hospital if necessary but I was there once before (wasn't admitted) and it was very poorly run. The director quit not long after. It was set up to deal with people with mental illnesses but they ended up with people who had addictions as well and they couldn't cope. I take a mild tranquilizer when my anxiety gets out of control. Depersonalization disorder is treated with anti-anxiety medication as well as antidepressants so I'm already doing what I can for it. It may go away or it may be a permanent state. I realized that I have had this disorder in a mild form since I was a teenager. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and was never able to form an identity. Being sick all the time and not having a life is my biggest hurdle. I hope that explains everything well.

 

Noca - December 12

kvc33 - My friend of mine has Depersonalization disorder. It's certainly not common but I can believe it would be very distressing. You should keep writing about your experiences here.

As for your panic attacks, have you ever tried Xanax or another benzo? I know they treat my panic attacks. Just having some by my side is enough to stop most of my panic attacks.

Hang in there hun :)

 

kvc33 - December 13

I do take a benzo, Noca. I'm trying to limit my use of it. People who have depersonalization can have it for a short time due to trauma, chronic exhaustion or as part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can also be brought on by drug use and can be life-long. My problem seems to center around feeling like I don't exist. The world seems more real to me than I do. I don't know who I am and i'm amazed that i haven't lost my ability to write, speak and make sense. I feel like such a failure even though I know that I have done my best in everything that I have tried. I live in a constant state of fear. For years I feared that my bf would leave and somehow I got over that. He is an incredible man and surely God must have chosen him for me. He says that he feels that God gave me to him as sort of an assignment and the trials he went through with his late wife (diabetic) and violent teenage son where training grounds for dealing with me. I rarely get 'violent' and I've never hit anyone but I do get angry quite a lot, and of course there is the constant severe exhaustion which means that time together consists of eating, talking, watching TV, and having him do things for me. He deserves much better and if I thought I could cope without him I'd tell him to find someone else. I am again fearing losing him and I constantly fear losing my friends and family too. I simply can't cope on my own. I feel like a two year old and I hate it. I think you are an amazing person Noca. You have so much knowledge and are willing to share it with us. Thank you.

 

kvc33 - December 18

For the past few days I've been doing my best not to have panic attacks as it makes depersonalization disorder worse and certainly won't help me. I've been fairly successful and haven't had a full blown attack for a few days now. At times I start to feel panicky and then remind myself that my goal right now is to go a week without an attack. I'm also doing my best to just not think about whether I exist or not. I have more success at times than others. I'm very sleep deprived right now because of the full moon coming up but also because of the situation with my chiropractor. He has abandoned his patients and practise with no notice. I went by his office yesterday and found the door locked and the office cleared out. The last time I spoke with him he said that he might quit practising and that if he did he was going to try to turn his patients over to another chiropractor that he had been in discussions with. He promised me that he would call me and let me know what was happening and even checked to see that he had my phone number. I received no such call and I wonder how many other people have no idea what's going on. It is very hurtful to me that he has treated us this way. I considered him a friend and part of my support team. People certainly have the right to change careers but it should be done with notice and respect for patients' rights. I don't know what has happened to my records or whether or not I can get access to them. Sadly I am going to have to report him to the governing body. I never thought he would do something so selfish and callous. I feel abandoned and it hurts.

 

Stacey373 - December 19

I'm so sorry KVC...I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. what I really want to do is go over to your house, give you a big hug, sit down with you and just talk for a little while. I sort of know how you feel with not having any friends or family to talk to or give support. I don't have any friends that I can talk to about my illness or even things that are really bothering me. I am close to my Mom, but she is such a negative vicious person that I usually try not to tell her "important things" that I'm going through because she will eventually turn it all back on me in some nasty belittling way EVERY time. (I love my Mom, but she is what she is!) I am lucky to have my husband who is my very best friend and I can talk to him about anything. but sometimes it's just not the same, ya know? I think all of this is why I come to this forum every day and you guys always make me feel better.

if you want to...you can email me anytime and we can talk. it's red61677 aol com I'm actually using my husband's old email address....no, I don't have red hair, but he does! LOL If ANYONE wants to email me....please feel free to do so, I would love to get to know all of you a little better! Take Care KVC and know you are not alone, Stacey :o)

 

kvc33 - December 20

Hi Stacey, Thanks so much for your reply, it brought tears to my eyes. I will indeed e-mail you. I'll put Fibro Friend in the subject line so you know who I am.

 

Stacey373 - December 21

Awesome! I look forward to hearing from you :o)

 

kvc33 - January 12

Hi friends, It's me again. I quit taking the drug that seemed to be responsible for my depersonalization for about four weeks and then had to go back on it because my RLS got bad again. I've been on it for about three weeks now and my daily headaches have returned and I want to get off of it in the worst way. I'm going to ask my doc to try flexeril with me but I'll probably be allergic to it as I am to so many things. I am very depressed and have no desire to do anything. I'm trying to get used to the feeling of not existing without letting it bother me but life seems pointless if I don't exist. I've been on an allergen-free diet for three weeks now after getting tested and finding out that I am allergic to dairy, eggs, grains, peanuts, gluten, pineapple, and sugar. So far I don't see any difference except a bit of weight loss. I'm sure my naturopath will want me to stay on it for a very long time! Physically I'm managing okay without my chiropractor but I sure do miss his support. Love to all of you.

 

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