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The monthly rant
6 Replies
kvc33 - May 23

It's PMS time again and I'm very depressed, and the depersonalization gets worse at this time. I feel like I am hollow with no direction and no sense of self. I'm very frustrated with the lack of support in my life. It makes me want to scream. I feel like I try so hard and no one except my bf steps up to the plate. Even he is often too busy too help me these days. A couple of days ago my car started to overheat so I had to make an 'emergency' stop at a shop. Spent an hour there, then had to take it back for 1 and half hours the next day. All on not enough sleep and my bf out of town. Last night I had to take my cat to the hospital, by myself again as bf was sleeping. The cost was ridiculous and they couldn't determine what is wrong with him even after expensive tests. I'm at the point where my savings are almost gone and I just feel mad. What I am supposed to do now? Go into debt when I have no ability to repay it? I try to do positive things but don't get the back up. I recorded a couple of songs that I sang in a home studio as a way to try to get some of myself back. The recording needs some work even though other people can't hear all the mistakes that I can. However my friend is reluctant to help me because he is a busy person and his wife wants him to spend more time fawning over her instead of getting a life herself. I just don't want to do this thing called 'life'. It costs money to do anything and I can't afford it and I'm just so angry. Not looking for any real answers guys, I know that there isn't much you can say. Thanks for being you.


January - May 24

Hi kvc. Sorry you feel so crummy, but it does help sometimes to just vent.

What do you play? Do you write songs? How cool! You're right, other's can't hear all your mistakes. Don't be so hard on yourself. Can you make the recording adjustments yourself, instead of getting help from somebody who is too busy to help out now? Glad you have this, music and writing is good for the soul.


Jocelyn - May 27

I am so sorry to hear you are having a bad time. I just went through a bad week myself and it is truly rotten. I now there isn't must one can say to make you feel better, but know that we are here if you need anyone to talk too. Life is very tough on people who are ill.

Keep your chin up, the depression will hopefully subside.

Take care


kvc33 - May 28

I find the dichotomies of life so bizarre. I know I am so very blessed in so many ways, yet I can't help being jealous of those who can just do what they want every day because illness is not holding them back. I know a lady who has RSD, a very painful, awful condition. She is alone and poor without any real friends. My late aunt was her best friend and I didn't know her until I saw her name on the memorial page for my aunt. I do my best to be her friend through e-mails and if I could I would help her with housework, etc, but I can't. I am going to send her a little money for clothes. Her family has abandoned her and she couldn't even get dental care until a dentist who does free work for the homeless agreed to take on her case because her teeth were so bad and she had no way of paying. I am amazed that she wants to go on living with all that she has to bear. I have been thinking about seeing a counselor as we now have someone in our town who specializes is seeing people with chronic illness but I really don't think it would help. She can't change my health or my circumstances. I thought about it and I realized that what I want more than anything is to be free of fear and at peace with my situation. I just don't know how to get that. The thing that hurts me the most is the way my Mom treats me. She says she loves me all the time but doesn't demonstrate it. I hardly ever see her and when I ask when I can see her she says she doesn't know. She expects me to go to her house even though we only live ten minutes apart from each other and her husband doesn't believe I am sick and harasses me. She is content to just spend her days with him and doesn't seem to care that she hardly sees her own daughter. It hurts me more than I can say. If I were well it would still hurt me but it hurts even more because I am ill and need support and contact. My family has never been there for me and I know that that has greatly affected my mental health. I can't change them and I don't know how to heal from the hurt of abandonment.


Jocelyn - May 28


I totally understand the part about not bothering with counseling because it won't change what you have. I even agree, but I don't like to offer my opinion too much, because who knows, it may help someone, it didn't help me. The pain is with me whether I talk about it or not. This disease we have is something that unless you have it, it is hard to believe it exists. It is also difficult to help other people in need, because your heart, like so many people with illnesses, is in the right place, but your body will not cooperate. I give you credit for reaching out to someone in need, every little bit helps and I'm sure this woman knows it.

As far as your mom goes, well...that is a tough situation. My mother was always the type that would never say I Love You...but her actions would always tell you how much she really did. My mother had Lupus and was very understanding of my situation and was always helpful and caring. My father died with I was 27 and my mother never remarried, so she went through everything alone and her kids helped her through the best we could. I would tell my mother I loved her whenever I could and her answer would be a slight giggle and she would say, yeah yeah! But, one day, she was in the hospital and I got a call at 5:00 a.m. she was a little delerious from the medication and she wanted me to come and get her. I drove to Boston and when I got there I sat with her and brought her out of her confused state. That morning I stayed with her and we had a wonderful breakfast together and we talked until 11:00 when she told me I should go home and get some sleep. I told her I was fine but would go to work and come back and see her that night. My mother said, oh no, don't bother, I've had you hear since 5 this morning. I went over and gave her a kiss good-bye at 11:30 and said, I love you and as I was walking out of the room, for the first time ever I heard my mother loud and clear and serious, not a giggle in her voice...she said, I LOVE YOU TOO! I will never forget those words for the rest of my life. I went back to see her that night and she had some complications, but she was stable. I went home and received a call at 2:00 a.m. My mother was dying. We had a choice to put her on life support and bring her back, but she had a terminal cancer that we were hiding from her because she was still well and had no symptoms yet. She was being treated for gallbladder cancer and she didn't want to know her prognosis. In the end, I was so glad we never told her because she died of an unrelated disease.

Let me say this...the story above is wonderful about a mother who showed her love in every way, but the sad part is, she is no longer with me. There are days that turn into weeks that I miss her so much it hurts. I can't drive over to see her and more. She lived down the road. I walk by the house wishing I could see her in the window waving for me to come in and sit with her. it will be 2 years on July 21st that she has been gone. Her loss is felt so deeply. I still needed her and she left me. I cry because I am mad that she was taken from me and I wasn't ready to let her go. I am angry because when I do not feel well, she is not there for me to talk to and tell me I will get better. All I have left is memories of her caring for me and listening and comforting. She will be forever in my heart.

As for your mother, it sounds like she remarried, you don't speak of her husband as our father. It seems as though your mother is living her life as if her children are grown and gone and she doesn't have to bother worrying. Well...I do believe your mother loves you, I think her problem is she is living with someone who may be keeping her to himself. I could be wrong about that, but it is not impossible. I don't like to butt in, but is it possible for you to pick your mother up and bring her to your house? Just so that the two of you can be together and talk? Maybe you have already tried that, but please don't give up with her if you can. I don't know if you are well enough to drive. I know some days it is difficult to get out of bed.

The other problem is, you will need to learn to live without your mom. Mom's don't live forever and the one thing that I have learned is that my mother taught me everything I needed know about how to live, except how to live without her. That is the part I don't think I will ever learn to do.

So, maybe give your mother a little test. See if it is her husband that holds her back from seeing you. Make arrangements for mother-daughter days. It is worth a shot and perhaps, you can let her know who you feel about the situation in time. Perhaps your doctor could write a letter stating what you have and seeing would be more believable. As far as her husband goes, it is none of his business and he should keep his mouth shut. Some day something will happen to him as it will with everyone on this earth and perhaps you can tell him it is all in his mind! What goes around comes around.

Like you I am very blessed with a wonderful family as my support system. However, I too am jealous of the people I see walking by so effortlessly. The people that can do everything I want to do and I am so restricted. I understand the jealousy. It is normal.

I am now focusing on what I can do and not what I can't do. I am starting to count the things that are getting a little better from going to physical therapy etc. Every thing that I get through, every day that I do one thing more than the day before I count as good. When I slid back, I remind myself that on a different day I will be able to do it.

As far as my Mom goes, I have not mentally recovered from that at all. I don't think I ever will, it is too big of a loss.

Please try again with your Mom and keep me posted. I hope things can be worked out between your mom and you. Try to talk to her in an up beat way and entice her to see you and leave her husband behind. If she won't budge, then I think something is controlling her.

Best and kind wishes always.


kvc33 - May 29

Thanks for responding Jocelyn and I'm very sorry for your loss. I think I would rather have a Mom who shows love rather than says it but who knows. What I miss most is the relationship we've never had. As a child my mother was consumed with her dysfunctional relationship with my late father who was an alcoholic. She didn't seem to have any interest in being a Mom other than providing the basics of food, clothing and shelter. If I try to talk to my Mom about anything she just get angry and blames me, she hates to feel guilty and will do anything to get out of that. Yes, I believe her husband controls her to an extent, but it's her choice to pick him over me. I'm too ill most of the time to schedule meetings but even if I'm feeling awful and she offers to come over I try to say yes. Her way of dealing with my illness is to worry and pray, both of which do me no good. I just want her love and time. I'm very ill right now with exhaustion, hormones, and depression. Taking action will have to wait.


Jocelyn - May 30

Again, a heart felt sadness falls over me when a mother cannot be a mother and it hurts her children, like you, who do not deserve it. I understand that your illness is too bad right now and you are not able to deal with your mother at this time. I have been in your situation with the illness being so bad, you cannot really deal with life itself. It seems your mother has always had problems being a mother, since she was consumed with your alcoholic father, instead of you children. Actually, that is sad for her as well as you. She lives in the world of a dysfunctional mind.

My cousin has the same problem as you, except she is not ill, but my cousin's mother, who is my aunt, can never give her the time of day. She was close to my mother because my mother would always be there for her(her mother and my mother are/were sisters, but totally different). My cousin grieves, even now, the loss of her mother and the relationship that she should have, even with her mother being alive. It is unfortunate, that my aunt, tells me she loves me and wants to spend time with me, but never says it to my cousin. I am very close to my cousin and we spend time together and we talk about it all the time. So...I understand exactly what you are saying and my cousin knows exactly how it feels. My cousin went to counseling just to get over her relationship with her mother, or should I say her non exsistent relationship.

All I can say to you is that your friends here on this site are here for you and do care.

Please stay in touch and try to talk to us as much as you need. If you would like to talk to me personally, I will give you my phone number.

Take care.



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