I totally understand the part about not bothering with counseling because it won't change what you have. I even agree, but I don't like to offer my opinion too much, because who knows, it may help someone, it didn't help me. The pain is with me whether I talk about it or not. This disease we have is something that unless you have it, it is hard to believe it exists. It is also difficult to help other people in need, because your heart, like so many people with illnesses, is in the right place, but your body will not cooperate. I give you credit for reaching out to someone in need, every little bit helps and I'm sure this woman knows it.
As far as your mom goes, well...that is a tough situation. My mother was always the type that would never say I Love You...but her actions would always tell you how much she really did. My mother had Lupus and was very understanding of my situation and was always helpful and caring. My father died with I was 27 and my mother never remarried, so she went through everything alone and her kids helped her through the best we could. I would tell my mother I loved her whenever I could and her answer would be a slight giggle and she would say, yeah yeah! But, one day, she was in the hospital and I got a call at 5:00 a.m. she was a little delerious from the medication and she wanted me to come and get her. I drove to Boston and when I got there I sat with her and brought her out of her confused state. That morning I stayed with her and we had a wonderful breakfast together and we talked until 11:00 when she told me I should go home and get some sleep. I told her I was fine but would go to work and come back and see her that night. My mother said, oh no, don't bother, I've had you hear since 5 this morning. I went over and gave her a kiss good-bye at 11:30 and said, I love you and as I was walking out of the room, for the first time ever I heard my mother loud and clear and serious, not a giggle in her voice...she said, I LOVE YOU TOO! I will never forget those words for the rest of my life. I went back to see her that night and she had some complications, but she was stable. I went home and received a call at 2:00 a.m. My mother was dying. We had a choice to put her on life support and bring her back, but she had a terminal cancer that we were hiding from her because she was still well and had no symptoms yet. She was being treated for gallbladder cancer and she didn't want to know her prognosis. In the end, I was so glad we never told her because she died of an unrelated disease.
Let me say this...the story above is wonderful about a mother who showed her love in every way, but the sad part is, she is no longer with me. There are days that turn into weeks that I miss her so much it hurts. I can't drive over to see her and more. She lived down the road. I walk by the house wishing I could see her in the window waving for me to come in and sit with her. it will be 2 years on July 21st that she has been gone. Her loss is felt so deeply. I still needed her and she left me. I cry because I am mad that she was taken from me and I wasn't ready to let her go. I am angry because when I do not feel well, she is not there for me to talk to and tell me I will get better. All I have left is memories of her caring for me and listening and comforting. She will be forever in my heart.
As for your mother, it sounds like she remarried, you don't speak of her husband as our father. It seems as though your mother is living her life as if her children are grown and gone and she doesn't have to bother worrying. Well...I do believe your mother loves you, I think her problem is she is living with someone who may be keeping her to himself. I could be wrong about that, but it is not impossible. I don't like to butt in, but is it possible for you to pick your mother up and bring her to your house? Just so that the two of you can be together and talk? Maybe you have already tried that, but please don't give up with her if you can. I don't know if you are well enough to drive. I know some days it is difficult to get out of bed.
The other problem is, you will need to learn to live without your mom. Mom's don't live forever and the one thing that I have learned is that my mother taught me everything I needed know about how to live, except how to live without her. That is the part I don't think I will ever learn to do.
So, maybe give your mother a little test. See if it is her husband that holds her back from seeing you. Make arrangements for mother-daughter days. It is worth a shot and perhaps, you can let her know who you feel about the situation in time. Perhaps your doctor could write a letter stating what you have and seeing would be more believable. As far as her husband goes, it is none of his business and he should keep his mouth shut. Some day something will happen to him as it will with everyone on this earth and perhaps you can tell him it is all in his mind! What goes around comes around.
Like you I am very blessed with a wonderful family as my support system. However, I too am jealous of the people I see walking by so effortlessly. The people that can do everything I want to do and I am so restricted. I understand the jealousy. It is normal.
I am now focusing on what I can do and not what I can't do. I am starting to count the things that are getting a little better from going to physical therapy etc. Every thing that I get through, every day that I do one thing more than the day before I count as good. When I slid back, I remind myself that on a different day I will be able to do it.
As far as my Mom goes, I have not mentally recovered from that at all. I don't think I ever will, it is too big of a loss.
Please try again with your Mom and keep me posted. I hope things can be worked out between your mom and you. Try to talk to her in an up beat way and entice her to see you and leave her husband behind. If she won't budge, then I think something is controlling her.
Best and kind wishes always.