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relationship advice
4 Replies
joeboy - June 20

So... I am trying to patch things up with my wife. We are living seperately but seeing each other again. We were always very active together. This week we went on a six mile hike in the mountains. I was ok during the hike but I still have not recovered four days later. She wanted to go again today and I had to turn her down. I am not sure if it is even worth trying to work things out with her because of my disabled life style and because she still doesnt believe that i have anything wrong with me except for depression/mental illness. Should I let her go?? She keeps telling me to be a man; what an insult. I do love her but how can we ever resume our lives together when So much has changed.....any input would be great. I need advice from those who understand.


kvc33 - June 20

Yes, let her go. Love is about accepting someone as they are, not for what they used to be able to do. She will forever be on you about being 'lazy' and you will get no peace. A six mile hike is totally inappropriate for you. My partner was also very active before we met and he had to accept a drastic lifestyle change. He also has to accept me with all my limitations and they are immense. Find yourself a nice lady with fibro who will hold you when you are down and go for a short walk with you when you can. There's lots of us! That will be a route to your healing.


January - June 20

HI again joeboy. Glad to hear you are seeing your wife again. But when I read six-mile hike, my mouth dropped. (That's a lot! And your body is telling you now that it was too much.) Not to say you can't go hiking! Just do it in small increments, til you find what you can handle.

Maybe your wife could read some of the posts on here? Fibromyalgia is NOT the same thing as depression. It is a disease of pain and exhaustion. It is sometimes linked with depression, OF COURSE - but it is NOT the same thing! And even with simple depression, saying "Snap out of it!" does more harm than good.

Have you and your wife considered counseling? You need to be really honest with yourself and with her about your health and your feelings. And she owes you the same honesty. You might feel somewhat better with treatment, but you may still have some long term problems. (Anyone, male or female, can run up against unexpected health problems!) Counseling could help you examine what sort of foundation your relationship has. You mentioned you were always active together - was that one of the main things you did? Is there something else that can replace that and hold you two together?

If your wife is one of those people who simply cannot handle being around any kind of disability, counseling might help you both clarify that. Maybe she can learn to empathize and support you; maybe she can't. You need to be honest with each other. From your post, her remarks to you to "be a man" sound insensitive and mean. That sort of treatment is usually not good for fibro people, who are already stressed out and (just my opinion) that needs to stop right now. As you said "what an insult." She needs to learn a little kindness.


Pikespeak - June 20

Hi Joeboy! I am thinking that your wife needs to find hiking friends! As in any relationship, there are things you share with your partner and things you do with others. In my marriage, my husband and I are very close, but we don't share all the same activities. I am quite happy (and relieved) if he adventures with others when I am not up to it. We walk when it's cool outside; we take a drive when I'm feeling not up to don't say how old you are or how long you've been married...we are nearing 60 and have been married for 18 years (second marriage for both). I think that has a lot to do with us being older and more understanding of our limitations...


Fantod - June 21

joeboy - A six mile hike is out of the question for someone with FMS. What the heck were you thinking?! Managing FMS is all about listening to your body and respecting its limits. As you are discovering, paybacks are hell.

I don't think that your wife displays a lot of empathy. And telling you to "be a man" is way past insulting. If she won't consider counseling, than I think that there is no hope for this relationship. The type of stress that her attitude would bring to the relationship would be detrimental to a well person never mind someone with FMS. You have to put your needs first.

I know that this is not an easy decision. I hope that you will find some peace in your life. Take care.



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