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Note to Canada17-anyone with overbearing moms
4 Replies
iliveinpain - February 16

I've found and posted on a brand new site today. daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. It has helped me so much with dealing with my mother and finding the strength to admit the problem is with her and not me. There are alot of other women on there with fibro and all other related diseases, go figure!! I've logged on there already as "unloved", so if you find me on there, make sure to say hello :) I've read alot of these threads about many of us coping with extreme family issues. Just thought you might be interested in checking it out. :)

 

Canada17 - February 17

Thanks iliveinpain,

The site look like it provides a lot of help to a lot of people. That's great. Unfortunately, my mom isn't overbearing. She's totally passive. My father, on the other hand, always finds something wrong with what I say, it's a constant battle.

In my family, I've never really been allowed to have my own opinion. It's always met with an explanation as to why I am wrong and why I should change my mind. My mom just always let it happen.

I know my parents love me, my dad has always just "expected more" from me. They told me I could fly and then clipped my wings.

 

iliveinpain - February 17

Hi Canada, I'm glad to hear I was wrong about your mom. Very fortunate for you that she isn't like mine! I misinterpreted your previous posts I guess. But your family does sound quite a bit like mine, altho my mom has been doing what your dad does to you my whole life. I'm just recently deciding that it's time I try to stand up for myself whenever she constantly puts me down, invalidates my feelings, and finds fault in everything I am and stand for. It could be that you don't experience the family stress to the degree that I do; and I'm very happy for you if you don't :)

 

Canada17 - February 17

I can't really say for sure if I suffer the same family stress. But, standing up for myself has caused a rift. I think it's partly my fault for allowing it to go on for so long, I'm in my late 20's and have been battling since I was 12 for the right to my own opinion but I am only now realizing that I am actually entitled to it.

It is important for us to stand up for ourselves but we walk a thin line when we do. I've had to distance myself from my parents which is difficult. My mother is currently battling breast cancer and my toddle asks to see them a lot. I don't want to deny anyone anything but I also have to protect myself.

So, I make compromises. I schedule tasks on days when I know my parents are available so that I can leave my daughter with them for a visit and get away from them so I don't have to suffer through the stress. It's just too much for me to deal with.

I rarely talk with my parents, when I do it gets under my skin. I hate feeling obligated to do something and being with family shouldn't feel like a chore. I have to remind myself that my health is just as important as what everyone wants.

I have to put my family first because if I am not well enough to take care of my husband and daughter and go to work everyday then I'm not happy. And me being happy is an integral part to controlling my Fibro.

 

iliveinpain - February 17

You are completely right in your thinking. I'm also quite impressed that you've reached this level of maturity at such a young age. I'm 55 years old and have only recently realized that all of the problems in my life haven't always been my fault, my family has had their share of the blame as well. Even though they will never admit it, I know it is true, and that's the main thing right now. Lucky for you that you've learned this at a young age. Yes, it's very difficult to distance yourself from your family, especially when a parent is ill. It is a good thing you've done it early enough in your life, and realized in time that your health and happiness are most important. I'm afraid at my age and my mothers age (she's 84) it's a bit late to change patterns that have been in place forever. Good for you for standing up for yourself! It also sounds like you're doing the right thing in letting them see their grandchild. That is more than some people would do. I agree it should not feel like a chore to be with family, but that is how it feels for me, it's really very sad. But thanks for talking with me about it :)

 

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