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I need to Vent....
12 Replies
Stacey373 - December 21

Okay....the Christmas tree business is just about over. Not many people showing up this last week before Christmas...Thank Goodness it's OVER! It was fun...but tiring and I'm done until next year!

So I've spent the last couple of days frantically cleaning my disgusting house....I have to admit while I was not feeling good the last few months, I didn't do much around the house. I swear every muscle in my body hurts now!

And the biggest stress-er of all is my Mother and she is coming in today and staying for the next 2 weeks. I already feel like I can't take anymore and now I have to deal with her and it's really just beginning. I should start this off with I love my Mom very much...but...she's not a nice person. Actually I thought this morning that she is like a firecracker...you never know when she's going to go off so we walk around on edge. But eventually she WILL blow up (even over the smallest of things) and then I get to deal with her when that happens. I really don't like confrontations!

So here is some of the things I am going to have to deal with for the next 2 weeks....she is VERY controlling and she always comes to my house and tries to take it over (I guess I don't run my house the way I should) and she is ALWAYS belittling or putting us (mostly me) down. She will find your faults and point them out to you constantly. usually she will pick one of my kids to put down the whole time and of course, I freak if anyone hurts my kids. (so that never goes well) she is constantly yelling at my kids and trying to discipline them even over the stupidest and smallest things....so then I have to interfere to save my kid and then I never do get a chance to discipline if it was something that needed it....did that make any sense?!? LOL

I'm also going to have to deal with her constantly telling me stuff about my health. She doesn't believe in Fibro....or she just doesn't want to is what I think it really is (I can't possibly be 'worse' than her!) So she puts me down about it and we get into these arguments over the fact that I can't do anything to 'fix it".

She tells me stuff like "get off your ass and clean your house" or "get off your ass and make dinner" and the list goes on and on....

Anyways...I could write a book about my Mom and the issues we have! I'm really worried that when you live in constant stress, tension, and being on edge....your body eventually can't take it anymore. I need to find a way to relax and not put myself in bed with a headache or any other health problem.

I have to say that over the last few years I have done really good about standing up to my Mom. she likes to bully or intimidate you so you are in constant fear of her. But I still occasionally feel like I'm 16 years old again and 'rebelling" or something stupid like that! I am worried about how I'm going to get through this and then usually after she leaves, it takes me MONTHS to get over her visit (mentally and physically)

Soooo....anyone got any suggestions on how to deal with a Mother like this??? And how NOT to put my body into a major flare because of this???? (just so you all know, I think I might be on here every day for the next 2 weeks venting!) Can someone please remind me what I was saying last week about staying positive and looking at the good in everything??? lol

Thanks everyone for listening....I really hope it's not going to be a rough 2 weeks....Stacey :o)

 

Fantod - December 21

Stacey373 - OMG, I hardly know where to start. First of all, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this situation over the holidays. No family should have to put up with a houseguest like your mother.

I guess my first questions are, who invited her and why is she staying so long? It is afterall, your house. She is disrespectful of that fact and terrorizes your children. I doubt that they will be happy to see her either based upon your description. So, if the injvitation was extended to allow her time with the grandkids - forget it.
She doesn't appreciate the opportunity.

I know that you love your Mom but none of you needs to have your holiday ruined with her unpredictable bad behavior. Things are tough enough in your household already without the additional strain. If it were me, the first time she started up, I tell her that her behavior is not acceptable. And, if she continues, she'll be asked to leave and go home immediately. I actually threw my mother in law out once for snooping through bills that were in a file cabinet drawer...

I think that no matter what you do to reduce your stress, she knows how to push your buttons. Short of kicking her out, I'm not sure that there is any effective way to deal with a personality that toxic. Stay away from her, take deep breaths, think positive thoughts, ignore her hurtful comments and keep posting. Hang in there girl.

 

kvc33 - December 21

I have to agree with Fantod. I would suggest that you never have her come for more than a day. You don't enjoy it all, it causes stress in your family and is very detrimental to your health. So why bother? Loving someone doesn't mean you have to have them come and stay for two weeks. I'm also wondering just what it is about your Mom that you 'love'. I read a book that said that the best way to diffuse someone was to find some truth in their critisms. If she complains about the state of your home. You could say, "It certainly could be cleaner." No matter how clean your house is that is a fact but simply doesn't matter. People criticize to make people feel inferior but if you give them the message that your performance has nothing to do with your self-worth it confuses them.

 

Fantod - December 22

kvc33 - I LOVE your suggestion!!

 

axxie - December 22

Mothers like to critize, and belittles you, is because she is insecure. First and foremost, dear girl this is your house, your kids. Mom doesn't have to like it, but that's tough. I bet you your mother doesn't exactly know what she is doing. Probably had to stand up prior and now it's everywhere she goes. Why don't you just sit her down when the kids have gone to bed, and tell her without complaining that you appreciate her very much, but you tend to belittle me and you tend to scream to the kids and that is making the whole family walk on the edge.

Look I'm not saying this is going to be easy, but as children with pushy mothers we tend to return to childhood and talk to our mothers with that voice when we were young, to please mommy. You may not know this, but you maybe doing it.

She gets too pushy, why don't you remove yourself from the situation, and ignore her.

Not easy but you need to stand up for yourself, remember it's your house, if that means, leaving for a few hours to be by yourself, then leave and go have coffee alone someplace.

You get yourself over a titzy and your whole body will sure to hurt bad.

Good luck and hope you can navigate the comottion.

 

Stacey373 - December 22

Well I should probably tell you guys that I'm the one who invited her to come and I bought the plane ticket. She usually stays about 3 weeks, but we eventually figured out that more than 2 weeks is pure hell...so we cut it to 2 weeks this year and hopefully it will be better. She lives in Colorado and I'm in Washington state and she's completely alone out there and so I bring her out here for Christmas every year. makes for a stressful holiday and especially with the kids home on Christmas break....but I can't let her be alone on Christmas.

I REALLY like what you said KVC! I will try using that and let you all know how it goes! Usually if I said something like that to her, she would just keep saying that I should get off my ass and do whatever it is she thinks I should be doing.

I actually kept busy all day and evening yesterday baking and what-not....but I know I won't be able to last the next 2 weeks staying busy non-stop. but so far it's been okay...she just got here so she won't REALLY start the crap for another couple of days.

And Axxie - She knows EXACTLY what she's doing. I think she enjoys causing chaos. she is VERY insecure and she does put us down so that she won't feel inferior.

Fantod - I can't imagine throwing her out and making her leave! She did leave early one year after her and my husband got into a fight cuz she threw a game that we were all playing at us and then hit him. He was raised with a very abusive Mom and he freaked and she left the next day. I actually think I have a similar story for every year she has been here....but that year was REALLY bad!

anyways....thanks to all of you for listening to me and I will keep thinking of all your suggestions as I get through each day! I keep hoping that this year will be better and we will enjoy the holidays....that remains to be seen!

Take Care everyone, Stacey :o)

 

duhda75 - December 22

Stacey373 - WOW, ur story sound so familiar to mine. My mother is the most difficult person to please. Everything is done wrong unless it's her way. Even if it's not her home.

I have to say that is very brave of you to invite her into your home knowing that she brings chaos. It's not only good for you and your health, but it has a impact on your children too. The holidays are supposed to a time of joy with family and loved ones.

I have have so many difficult years with my mom and her hostile way of doing things. It only brought me down and made me more misserable. I wasn't able to focus on myself let alone my family. I cut all ties with my Mother 2yrs ago, and I have no regrets. It needed to be done. She was always negative, putting someone down and the every holiday (even growing up) the family had to walk on eggshells around her.....just waiting for the next explosion.

We as people dealing with FMS need to avoid stress and surround our selfs with supportive and positive people.

I wish you luck during her visit. I think some of the others on the board had some great suggestions. Stay strong and stand your ground. It's your life, family, and home. Happy Holidays!

 

Stacey373 - December 26

Thanks duhda, it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not completely alone dealing with this sort of thing. Although I could never completely quit talking to her. I think I might be a gluten for punishment! LOL

I have to say that it's been good...so far. We'll have to wait and see how this week goes. I actually did say one thing to her the other day. I never go shopping on Christmas eve, but my friend loaned me $60 to get my kids each a movie that they have been really wanting. So me and my Mom take off in search of one of the movies (the new Twilight) and after not finding it at 2 stores and then almost getting hit by a stupid driver that came into my lane so he could pull a u-turn....I was NOT happy! My mom kept telling me how she just didn't have any money for christmas (she says this every year) and I'm watching her buy stuff for herself at every store we went to....I think I just lost it! I was really calm and "nice" about it but I said 'how can you be broke and not buy anything for your grandkids but you can buy for yourself all day long?" usually she will just yell at me and then forget it...but this time, I think I actually got through to her because the next store we went to she grabbed something to buy herself and then looked at me and put it back! I felt a little better after that....at least she "heard" me for once! lol

But, I have to say she shocked me! she will usually give me one of her rings that I don't like or wear (IF she gives me anything, she doesn't care if I like it or not) but this year she had me open this tiny package and I knew instantly it was a ring....but when I opened it up it was my Grandmother's wedding ring! I was so shocked that I couldn't stop crying! I think that was the nicest thing she has ever done for me!

Now I feel guilty for even thinking bad stuff about her! but I know that the "niceness" isn't going to last very long...so I'm still waiting for the explosion!

Take care everyone and thanks for listening to me, Stacey :o)

 

kimzsoa - December 27

Nice to finally meet my sister, lol. My mom to the tee. I can only take her in small doses and everything I do is wrong, every illness or symptom I have is MY FAULT due to xyz...my kids eat junk food sometimes therefore I am abusing them, lol...since she has to have a bowl of ice cream EVERY night.

I will go for weeks without emailing or having contact so she'll write me asking why I'm not keeping in touch (guilt) so I write back. We share a FEW nice emails then BAM...back to belittling me, putting me down and letting me know I cannot do a darn thing right...love mom. Geeepers! I was told by a counselot many yrs ago to stay aaway from her as we have an unhealthy relationship.

I am back in UT after 7 yrs in TX and she is in Calif. Jan 1 will be 1 yr I have been married to new hubby, she has not met him YET....A counselotr told me I married my ex (abusive) because he was just like my mom. Hmmmm.

So, I have learned to delete her emails thet seem longer than a few nice sentences as I know she'll write a book about what I am doing wrong, what I should be doing etc.

I have learned to NOT react..or try. I look at her as a sick person full of the disease of negativity and it is progressive.

I DO NOT TAKE HER SHxx anymore and if she doesn't like it too bad. I am sick and tired of her making my life miserable and will speak what is on my mind, tell her exactly what I think and let her deal with it.

There is an awesome book called "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend..just googled and you can buy then used from $1.99...definately helped me become a stronger person and no longer a door mat that allows others to walk all over me and wife their feet. Good luck...so glad MY mom isn't coming. :)

 

Stacey373 - December 27

wow! sounds like I have a couple sisters on here...except I'm the ONLY one still talking to Mom! LOL Actually it makes me feel pretty good that I'm not alone. Every friend I have ever had has wonderful parents and I always feel like I'm the only one who has to deal with this. Between my husband and I we don't have much family at all. His Mom and 2 sisters have nothing to do with him because he left the Jehovah Witness religion to marry me. so we basically have his Dad and my Mom and neither of them do anything for our kids during b-days or holidays or anything. My Mom adores my husband but his Dad has just recently been nice to me.

anyways....sorry for getting off subject...I'm very tired! I will definitely check that book out...Thank You! a few years ago I bought one called "Emotional Blackmail" and that book helped me ALOT with my mom. That was when I first started to stand up to her and not be intimidated by her.

everything is still going okay....just little things that I can deal with. I don't want to think that maybe we will actually get through these 2 weeks and then I let my guard down and get slammed with a major fight. did that make sense?!? LOL I will keep you all posted! LOL Stacey :o)

 

Fantod - December 27

Hang in there Stacey!

 

kvc33 - December 28

I'm wondering if your Mom starts to get nasty when she gets bored. What does she do to keep her self busy for two weeks? I'm not saying that she should ever be nasty, just wondering what her triggers are. If I were you, I'd just have her stay for a few days next year. Christmas doesn't last two weeks. If she balks at that you could say, "Well, I don't think it's fair for us to expect you to stay more than a few days, I'm sure you must get tired of us after a while." Do you think that would work, Stacey?

 

Stacey373 - December 28

Well...that's actually what we did this year. She used to come out for 3 weeks and this year we dropped it down to 2 weeks. She wasn't happy about it only being for 2 weeks...she wants to move in with us! Lord, help me! Actually, her b-day is on the 3rd, so I brought her out for both x-mas and that....she leaves on the 4th!

She always has some sort of craft thing she is doing....this year it's knitting. So she sits on my couch knitting all day long, controlling my TV and watching just "her" shows, and yelling at everyone to be quiet! (she lowers the volume on the TV so you can't hear it and then expects everyone not to talk all day long) But you are probably right, I think she gets bored and then creates chaos....she does this when she is at home too.

 

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