Hi kvc. I don't know your family situation. Are you an only child??? I think most people depend mainly on their families for attention, love and support. If you don't have a family close by, or if it's a toxic one, you can feel pretty alone, and most people can't understand that loneliness! I'm glad you have your bf - sounds like a great person from your posts. But I understand the isolation too. Hopefully you have a few good friends also.
Having fibromyalgia (and some its perks like food allergies) makes it hard to go out and do things where you meet new people and make friends. It's hard to make plans, hard to go out for lunch with a group, hard to keep up with people who don't get exhausted… etc. You have to get creative.
Many people are uncomfortable and ignorant about illness. When they just disappear, it's really disappointing and hurtful, but it's their problem, not yours. I've learned that the friends who stayed around are the ones I can count on. A lot of them have experienced some type of illness or tragedy, so they understand how it feels. Can you find a fibro support group or something similar where you live? Sometimes the hospitals have them. (This online site is a nice community too, and people here "get it!")
What kind of test are you getting on your neurotransmitters? I know you are going through withdrawal from something, so don't know if that set you off. As a veteran user of antidepressants, I felt all they did was numb me and give me bad side effects. I know they work for some people, but bad for ME. The drugs did NOT fix anything, and they completely de-motivated me. But I felt GREAT when I first started… Eventually they stopped working (this phenomenon is well known in psych. circles, but they don't tell you); I never felt well again - until I decided to quit, and withdrawal took a couple years.
Counseling is good, as Lucky said, but you have to find a person who is able to do talk therapy. Since drugs are so prevalent now, many counselors just sit there and let you rant. They don't work to change your thinking any more. Those people are a waste of time and money. Ask around and request a few interviews to find a good counselor that you feel a bond with - and if they aren't helping you within a couple months, find someone else. A good counselor will ask a lot of questions, challenge you on your thinking, and point out patterns they observe; they should be able to get you to some valid feelings and insights within a couple sessions. The ones who just sit there and listen will NEVER help you change. The good ones might make you angry or upset with questions, but they will also support you in working through your feelings. If you want to get better it involves hanging in there, looking at painful things and making hard changes.
Like you, I say how I feel, but try to keep a lid on it. Learn to be careful, and decide whom to trust. There are people who have not yet had any adversity, and they take things the wrong way. For example, if I'm having a bad day and rant about it, some people will assume I'm having a horrible life. (Not true!) Some people are not able to speak about anything deeper than the weather. They misunderstand. That's THEIR problem. Don't let them upset you, just move on. There are some very kind, good people out there, you have to find them.
I grew up in a negative house, so it seemed normal. It's hard to change the patterns you grow up with! What changed my thinking the most was a minister who introduced me to books by Ernest Holmes, Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson etc. This minister changed my life by telling me to "just drop it" when I got into my negative thinking. "But, but, but" I said. "Just DROP IT," he said over and over, til I heard him. I took a week, read my books, and tried to pay attention to everything that was going through my head - everytime I got on an internal rant, I stopped it - and even if I had to recite a prayer or song lyrics for a while, I learned to distract myself, to STOP IT. After about three days, I saw a huge difference in my mood! It was work, but it worked! I also found that B vitamins helped. Now that I'm gluten free the depression is gone. Gluten was my main problem. I think you are gluten free, but you might still be getting it somewhere - like in meds or in sauces or packaged food…?
I took classes for years, and that helps - you can train your mind. However, in those circles, along with some really wonderful folks, I met some so-called "positive thinkers" without an ounce of empathy. They don't want to hear anything they label "negative," because it interferes with their own selfish goals. You won't get any understanding or comfort from those people, just judgment. So don't take it personally and move on. You have to learn to judge character.
There ARE people out there who have experienced a lot and are genuine. They will appreciate your authenticity. But everything about a person leaks out, I think - so if you are really sad and angry, you are not going to be able to hide it. It would be good to work those things through with a COMPETENT counselor or perhaps in a good therapy group where you can get feedback from other people about how you come across. Work through the issues and then let them go. For your own sake. Wishing you all the best.
AGH! Sorry this is soooo long!