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I just can't make a life out of this
5 Replies
kvc33 - June 28

I struggle so hard with this life. I can't work, can't exercise and socializing is next to impossible. I spend my days alone or with my bf. He is wonderful but I still feel so lonely and disconnected. I know I have depression but alas I can't take medication either. As I get older I become more desperate, I hate seeing myself age and I feel so sad about all that I have missed out on. I've also lived in poverty and that has been awful too. I've spent all the years that I've lived in this ancient cottage trying to fix it up but some things just can't be fixed and it's so hard to find the energy to do it. Right now I'm cleaning out a big cupboard and it's taking me days to figure out what to keep and what to get rid of. I need new pants desperately but finding anything comfortable is really hard for me so I hold on to old things that are falling apart just so I'll have something to wear.I know I'm doing the best I can, but I just want someone to rescue me LOL. I've done things in my life out of my loneliness that I'm ashamed of and that's really hard to bear. Thanks for listening.

 

powderblue - June 28

Hi Kvc33

It's understandable that you feel depressed with the type of life you have. Fibromyalgia is so isolating especially when you can't do the normal things that others do and when people just can't comprehend your illness. When you compare yourself with others that are working, financially stable and physically active it can create stress and unrealistic expectations. The fact that you haven't given up with the shit hand fibromyaglia has dealt you is an achievement. I often read some of the posts here and am grateful that my fibromyalgia isn't as bad because I really don't think I would cope very well if I was a lot worse. Are there any support groups near you. Are you able to actually get out of the house. I don't know if you can afford it or could get it subsidised but have you had counselling. I have heard there are some counsellors that specialise in disability. They might also be able to put you in contact with other organisations. Are there any interests or hobbies that you could do from home. Plenty of people email from home these days-there is such a cyberworld out there. Try not to beat yourself up about the things that you have done that you regret. Everyone has done things that they regret and maybe yours were understandable considering the circumstances. There are plenty of people that do things they regret and they do it purely out of selfishness and they are healthy and have a perfectly normal life. Also have you tried any non-medication treatments for depression. A book you might consider reading is "healing without prozac" David Servan-Schreiber. It was a no1 international best seller. Take care

 

ptalana - June 28

Hi Kvc33, it's been quite a while since I last posted as I've been experiencing extreme tremors in my hands so typing has been too difficult. I just felt I needed to respond to your post and let you know that you're not alone in how you feel. I have been fighting my depression without medical aid I do a pilates routine 20mins 5 times a week, this has been a God send for me. I have severe mobility issues so pilates is perfect for me. My self esteem has also suffered a major punch since developing fms, not being able to walk without aid, can no longer work, nor can I afford to take care of myself like I once used to have been all so difficult to accept. I've also had to fight for my rights as a person with disabilities, and hope and pray that I can finally get the benefits that not only I deserve, but have paid into for over 25 yrs.
As for regrets, wow do I have a long list!!!!! What you have to remember is that we're all human we make mistakes, how we overcome and recover from these mistakes is what is truly important! Try not to live in the past, we can't change it, look to the day and the future this we can make a difference in. Please don't be too hard on yourself.
I wish you better days and send you a gentle fibro hug, Patty:)

 

kvc33 - June 30

Thank you both so much for your kind responses. I will take everything you said into consideration. I have tried natural remedies for depression. Sometimes they helped for a while but then my body could no longer tolerate them. I agree that comparing myself to others creates unneeded stress. I am able to drive and get out and for that I am very grateful. I don't go far as it is too tiring and usually just go over to my bf's place. Occasionally we get out to a park or restaurant and he really likes to do that and is very grateful when we can. I was able to get some pants today that I think will work for me and I am grateful for that as well. I tend to focus on doing his house and yard work because he helps me financially and perhaps that is my downfall. Maybe I don't focus on connecting with people enough. It's just so hard when I can't plan ahead and all the healthy people are so busy and scheduled all the time. Well maybe not all of them. I may start going to a depression support group if I'm able. More later, goodnight,

 

Ken66 - July 2

Kvc33 - not sure if the issue is financial or due to side effects, but an anti-depressant is typically in the drug protocol. If financial, your physician may be able to help by writing a mediacl/financial hardship request to the drug maker. Several of the larger pharmas offer a reduced or free prescription to those in need.

I also want you to keep searching for an avenue to reconnect with the world. If you have or had a hobby or interest, the internet is a glorious tool for finding those with similar interests. The connection may be virtual but the impact will be real. Hang in there and good luck!

 

kvc33 - July 8

The stand-alone cupboard is finally all cleared out, now to get it out of the house! I continue to struggle with too much housework, yardwork and shopping. Trying to find the energy to go out once in a while with my bf and enjoy the summer also takes a lot out of me. Fun should be fun but it is also very tiring. It's PMS time now so as the days go by I'll get increasingly discouraged until it's over. On the bright side, things are going better for me financially.

 

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