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17 Replies
TERESA - September 30

I've just had to unplug my phone to stop the irrate phone calls from an ex-boyfriend. I need to vent! I broke off this seven year relationship shortly after my I realized my symptoms were becoming worse with every drunking arguement we had. He has always had a drinking problem but early on I was better able to handle it. Now it seems with everytime he calls ( I'm talking 5-7 times a day ) I get worse!!! Most of the time I just ignore these messages, but now he's taking to filling up my machine SO THAT I MUST ANSWER!! Any suggestings on how to handle this? I need some coping skills to handle someone I still love,but is absolutely NO GOOD FOR ME !!!!


AmberRose - September 30

Try changing your phone number...i know its a hassle but it might work. If there are threats record three of them on the machine and take it to the police dont think they can do anything unless there are 3. Good luck !its unfortunate when people dont realize they were not in a healty relationship and cant let go. At least you saw that it wasn't good for you! Its tough i know ive been there! Take Care


Virg - September 30

7 years?could it be the 7 year itch. NOT
to go wandering but after 7 years of dealing with fibro and his being drunk and impossible to deal with that somethings gotta give. You still love him .... if he's been supportive of your health situation thats a good thing but if
you've been dealing with your situation and his problem you know what that does. If you really want to call it quits you've got to learn to say No. If there are
still more pros than cons in the relationship you'll both have to learn how to communicate stuff that causes
problems . so much for my 25 cent couple counselling but its hard to say what to do. I in my 7th year just got too
tired and for some reason put it all on
my relationship (WHICH is a good one)
But I've also lived in a realtionship with an alcholic and it was definitly no win.
The 7 years passed over and my guy is
much the same but I just don't sweat the small stuff. luck to you. If it gets you
down deciding give yourself permission
to say Hey I don't need to deal and decide right now. Concentrate on something good for you. Tell him that right now it's about you.


TERESA - September 30

AmberRose & Virg, thank you for responding to my post. I am not quite to the point of changing my # (yet). Everyone I know has this # & some people I've not seen for a while. This is not a 7 yr itch. We've been more close friends than lovers for the last 2 yrs. He has just been someone I wasn't ready to give up on till recently. When he's good he's very very good but when he's bad it unbearable!! Lately there have been more bad times than good. He's extremely self centered & refuses to stop drinking! Its when he is drinking that we have our problem. I just realized he is never going to change & I can't take it ANYMORE!!!!


AmberRose - September 30

Well you no what you want better than anyone else can! I dont know what its liek to have an acholic spouse but i do know how hard it can be on the one not drinking because my parents were like that.. but sometimes peopel make mistakes and they dont have the courage to change! Hopefully this person will see the person he lost and why he lost you and that will make him think! You got to take care of yourself b4 you can help others otherwise you are left with an empty too speak!! take care!


TERESA - September 30

Thank you AmberRose. I know that I am doing the right thing, it's just hard & maddening when he keeps calling!!


Stephanie417 - October 1

oh hon.. been here.. a few times... You need to worry about yourself and your own pain.. Dealing with something as complex as fibromyalgia is enough, having to deal with a drunk ex will do nothing but make your stress level and symptoms worse.. Just tell him that you need to concentrate on you right now.. that if he is really supportive and truly cares about you, then he will allow you the time and energy to focus on yourself and what you are going through..


TERESA - October 1

Oh Stephanie, thats exactly what I want & have decided to do, but if you have dealt with a drunk before then you know that what I'm saying is true. It's ALL ABOUT HIM! Telling him has absolutely no effect. He continues to call, two more calls EARLY this morning!! It like dealing with Dr Jeckel & Mr Hyde, I can no longer figure out which is which! AND I DON'T WANT TOO!


Virg - October 1

Hi, He's really persistent eh? When you refer to jeck and hyde does he call and be supportive then get drunk and its about him? I'd just for at least a month or so screen the calls, erase to free up the machine. The idea is to not communicate and fuel the fire. After some time do you think he'd stop? Is he
any danger to you? Would he come knocking on your door all hours. Short of telling him you moved on changing your phone # would be an idea. How about someone else talking to him for you. It's a dielema. Please try not to stress (oh gosh that sounds lame)


TERESA - October 1

Virg, thanks for the suggestions. You and I are on the same plan of attack! I told him over a month ago that I wanted to call it QUITS. I tried to explain to him that this relationship was not good for me anymore. but it's all about him! He has even used my illness to justify feeling sorry for himself & the excuse to tie one on. I live several miles away from him, so I don't feel I am in any danger. Besides, thats how this all kind of got started. He use to, when he was in his nice guy phase, come too the house (I live on a farm) & help out with the things I couldn't do, or the things that were hard on me. Then he would go home, get drunk (because I wouldn't allow him to drink here) & start feeling sorry for having helped me. He believed he was spending to much money on me (the gas he used, buying dinner,etc...) & I was just using him to do thing I should be doing myself, "I was just lazy!!!" What's really maddening about this is I never asked for ANY OF IT! ! ! I'd try to make him uderstand if I could only catch him SOBER!


Virg - October 1

Catching him sober to explain won't do a bit of good because he loves to drink and when he does (after you've explained to him) he'll not even consider
what you had told him. Hang in there and keep in touch.


DEBRA - October 4

Unplug the phone, throw it out the window


barbar - October 4

I'm with Debra, Unplug the phone. (Is this the same Debra that said she couldn't take the abuse on this web site and had to leave? If, WELCOME BACK!!! It's nice that you're here with us again.) As for Teresa, it's all been said. He's not good for you. Besides, long -term, it will be very difficult for you as a couple to deal with your fibromyalgia and the medical consequences of his alcohol abuse. You may still love him, but clearly he dosen't care, or at least, he doesn't care ENOUGH. You are doing the right thing. Shortly, th ephones calling will be over. As soon as he can figure out a scenario in which he has been the victim in all of this, the phone calls will stop and he will move on. He doesn't love you; he's just mad because it can't be "all about him." As soon as he can figure out a way to make it so, he'll be gone, off looking for some other woman to take him in. This isn't love you're seeing; this is just ego. He's mad because he's not the one who broke it off, which means he didn't have the power, you did. As soon as he figures out a way to put himself back in the center of things, and have a good story to seduce some other woman into his trap, he will be gone, gone, gone.


Debra4Real - October 5

Hi:TERESA Well,as i read and go along these posts out here i have read some of yours and you know what.....Good for you.It takes a strong woman to let go of something that you Love so much.You did the right thing and now you can put all of your energy and time into taking care of you for once in your life.The guy is to weak.He needs to learn to Love himself before he can Love anyone.And you need to learn to give yourself some credit for all of the bull that you have gone through.Your one strong good woman and that guy will regret what he has put you through.One day you will find a man that will take tender Loving care of you.Please remember to take care of you first.All the best of health and happiness to you.Always Debra.P.S. Thanks for all the good advice that you give to all out here.Your heart is solid.


Debra4Real - October 5

Hi:TERESA It seems that there is more than one Debra out here. A little confusing but thats O.K. Take Care.Always Debra.


Jeanie - October 5

At least you started in the right direction by leaving him. If you're not ready to change your phone number, you could either call the police or phone company and tell them you are being harrassed or you can buy a new phone with an answering machine on it that has a skip button. The minute you know that it his him, hit the skip button and the delete. You will not have to listen to all he has to say. Everyone is right. Stress is no good for you and you need people who love you and are supportive. Hang in there. God Bless You


TERESA - October 5

THANK YOU Barbar!! I am doing better now. THe phone calls have been fewer. Now he's bugging my family! Leaving massages for them, showing up at my sisters business, etc.. I think he's starting to get it thuogh!



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