New to the forum?

Sign Up Here!


Already a member?
Please login below.





Forgot your password?
Need Help?  
Does Fibro = Relationship Problems?
8 Replies
Stacey373 - August 6

Hi Everyone! I've been thinking alot about this over the last couple of days. 2 nights ago my best friend's husband suddenly left her and one of his main reasons was because she has medical problems and he can't deal with it all anymore. She has Chrohn's disease and in the beginning of their marriage she was in and out of the hospital...she ended up having like 9 or so surgeries in a row before she started feeling better and it went in remission. Well the medical problems are starting back up again after all these years and she may need to have another surgery. (and God knows what else she will have to go through with the Chrohn's)

I have to say that I don't think he left her for JUST the medical problems...I think there's some more stuff going on with them than just that. But I was still shocked to hear HIM say to me that part of it was the medical stuff!
Also she isn't the type of person to "quit"....even with all her medical problems she is working full-time, taking care of the family, cooking, cleaning, she does it ALL and she does it with a smile. She really is an amazing woman....nothing gets her down...I wish I could do just half of what she does when she's having a "bad day".

but this got me thinking about my own marriage. Actually my first thought was "if that's all it takes...Damn...my husband will be gone in days!" We have been dealing with my medical problems since almost day 1 and obviously it's gotten worse over the last 12 years that we've been married. I don't know how to say this, a little embarrassed I guess to admit this, but one of my biggest fears is that he will leave me for someone else because we rarely ever have any sort of intimacy. It's not like I don't want to...it's more like I don't have any "feelings" of wanting to. I'm usually SO tired by the time I go to bed, or I'm hurting for one reason or another, and I think all my meds are taking all of the "drive" away too. I read yesterday that with all the meds that Fibro sufferers have to take...they really do take away all those feelings from most people.

Just to clarify...my husband is extremely supportive and he really doesn't bother me about this or "bring it up" too often. I'm pretty sure he understands what's going on. And he's honestly not the kind of guy that would walk out on his family for ANY reason. But after watching my friends' husband walk out on her and 3 kids...it got me thinking... is my husband gonna eventually get tired of all of this and walk out too? Does anyone else have these sort of problems or is it just me?

I guess I'm just worried that eventually my husband won't be able to deal with all of this...This isn't a temporary problem that is going to go away...Does anyone else feel this way?

Thanks for listening, Stacey :o)

 

Noca - August 6

I don't have anyone to leave me (relationship wise). I could imagine it would be stressful on a relationship though. I try not to complain around my friends while I'm in pain but sometimes I can't help it.

Maybe try talking to your husband about it and plan a date for you two to go on to do something intimate.

 

INPAINDAILYJC - August 6

Stacey,

I would HOPE that your husband wouldn't leave you when you are having so many problems. Marriage is for better or worse right? I do agree with Noca, I would talk to him about it and just see if he has any concerns that he may not be bringing up. I am sure your husband will be there for you and I am sure he is satisfied with your lifestyle.. We are dealing a health problem, and it isn't our fault!

Noca, I don't have a man either. But I worry that a guy wouldn't want to "deal" with my health problems either. I am unsure how to bring it up or even if I should.....

 

Stacey373 - August 6

Hi! That's actually one thing my husband said to me when I told him about our friends. he said this is for better or worse, through sickness AND health. Like I said before...he's not the kind of man that would do something like this. But watching my friend go through this I guess is starting to bring out some of my insecurities, ya know what I mean?

I was actually thinking that we should get someone to watch the kids and go out on a "date". Being "close intimately" doesn't have to be physical. and I also think I should sit him down and talk to him about how I'm feeling...I guess I was just wondering if anyone else is dealing with stuff like this and what do you do to keep the relationship "alive" instead of just living like roommates....Does that make sense?

I can tell you all this....it really does take a strong person to spend their lives with us fibro sufferers and when you find that person, hang on to them and don't ever take them for granted. Even though they aren't dealing with the physical pains of this disease...they are definitely dealing with it as much as you are.

I appreciate you all replying and your advice...this was actually pretty hard to post without feeling completely "vulnerable". Thanks, Stacey :o)

 

kvc33 - August 6

There are some men who have no interest in sex but for the most part sex is very important to a man. You husband may not leave you but he may have an affair. I have experience with this so I know what I'm talking about. Even if he doesn't bring up the subject of a minimal sex life it's bound to be on his mind. Don't wait to feel desire before becoming intimate, do it anyway and often the feelings will come. That's the way I handle it, my partner also has this illness but it doesn't stop him from wanting me and I know I must give sometimes otherwise his eyes will wonder, it's just a fact of life. Just like everything else i do, I've had sex while I was already exhausted.

 

fibromite.u.k. - August 7

Hi, I have often worried about this problem too. There is no denying that it must be stressful for the one who doesn't have the problems. I was not well even before we got married and have never been able to work and bring in an income, but I did manage to have the most lovely baby boy, who is now grown up and a great blessing to both of us. However, over about the last eight years, my health has got a lot worse. In 2002, I had a mental breakdown after a year of continual stressful events and worries and the unexpected death of my Mother. I am well over that now, but have never felt so well as before all this, as one thing after another seemed to be triggered, M.E/C.F.S., FMS, RLS, arthritis, sore eyes, loosing my hearing in one ear, even things such as breaking my ankle for no apparent reason and many other things. We did go through a bad patch in our marraige for nearly a year at one time and it was heart breaking for me. At the time, I feel that my husband was in denial about how ill I had become, but that now he has learnt to accept it. I think a lot must depend on the man involved. I know I have heard of relationships ending because of health problems. I had a friend who died of cancer three years ago and her husband was wonderful and would do anything for her. At the same time, he told me of a couple he know whose wife was also dying of cancer and her husband left her as he said he couldn't cope with it. I also remember a family who lived near to us many years ago who had a little five year old with leukemia, and the husband left the family to cope on their own. If your husband has been very good in the past and still is, then I don't think you have any worries, but do try to arrange little treats like a meal out sometimes. I always make sure to thank my husband for everything he does for me. We went out yesterday for his birthday and I made sure to thank him for pushing me in my wheelchair. I think it is important to let them know that they are not being taken for granted. As to the imtimate side, then just a kiss and cuddle can be good. I hadn't thought that the tablets can make you less bothered about it, but I feel pretty much like that too. However, it doesn't seemed to have caused us problems. Again, I think it is just the individuals concerned. Best of luck and blessings to you.

 

Stacey373 - August 7

KVC - Ummmm....Thanks? Not really what I WANTED to hear...but I think it's probably what I needed to hear. That is my worry, and even though I don't think my husband would ever do something like that...I'm not naive enough to think it could Never happen. I appreciate you being honest!

Fibromite - I honestly can't imagine ANY one leaving because they can't handle the medical problems. But, obviously, it does happen and that's just really sad. I absolutely agree that we always need to make sure we don't take our spouse for granted. I ALWAYS try to make sure that I thank him for all that he does. He usually tells me "you don't need to thank me for this" but I'm sure he appreciates it none the less.

I do think that over the past few months or so that we haven't been as close as we normally are. He's going to school full time and literally doesn't have any "free" time. He's either at school or doing homework. And with my fibro problems and all the every day taking care of kids....plus trying to re-do my daughter's room and a million other things that are going on! I think we have both just been so busy that this might be another reason why I'm feeling a bit insecure. I am going to set a date for us to take a break and go out and just spend some time together alone. Sometimes life gets in the way and we all need to remember to take a break from it!

Thank You everyone for listening to me and replying back...you have no idea how much I really do appreciate it! Take Care, Stacey :o)

 

Katzra - August 8

I am not in a relationship and have no desire to be in one ever! There are a few reasons why, I will try not to rant... (1) I was engaged when my first car accident happended, he was driving, I had a Tramatic Brain Injury that changed me, I was in constant pain, hooked on narcotics, he felt guilty became very mentally mean....needless to say our relationship ended. Toward the end I had asked for him to just be supportive, I couldn't be intimate and he said he couldn't do it. He was seeing someone else when I moved out of our apartment. So, my trust has been badly broken when it comes to relationships. (2) I have no desire to be intimate at all. I wonder if that is a part of fibro. (3) I don't think I could deal with trying to fit someone else into my life of pain and fatigue. and (4) I hate being tied down, someone always on my heels.

Anyway, for the desire part, you could try ky. It may help. The date night sounds like a great idea!Every relationship does need some intimacy :)

 

Stacey373 - August 8

I understand how you are feeling with all of that in your past. I spent over 8 years in an extremely abusive relationship (99% mental/emotional abuse) I ended up marrying my best friend who actually watched me in that relationship the last 2 years of it. I'm really not an "insecure" or "jealous" kind of person...but even after almost 12 years of being married....there are times when my insecurities from my old relationship come out. Even with my x-boyfriend and my husband being completely opposite people.

anyways...I've decided to wait to plan a "date night" until after the kids go back to school. Right now my husband has way too much homework and there is so much going on with the kids...but they go back in about 3 weeks and then things should start to settle down after that....Hopefully! LOL We are taking the kids to a small county fair on Friday...so we will be able to at least spend some time together that day...away from the homework and the chaos of the house!

Take Care Everyone, Stacey :o)

 

Message:


You must log in to reply.

Are you New to the forum? Sign Up Here! Already a member? Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?
Ask a Question