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Anxiety I think I'm losing it. and I hurt please advice
9 Replies
fancithatt - December 9

Some one was talking about mother daughter relationships and that's been my anxiety. My 17 yr old has many problems. She is trying to grow up but in a not productive way. She decided she was old enough to move out and in with her boyfriend ( which is allowed in Texas) she has gotten into fights, tried to attack me 5 times,cussed me out like you can't believe, quit her job, and allows the boyfriend to drive the car and he doesn't have a license. I have Fibromyalgia for about 20 years now, ostoprosis, degenrative disc disease, rls, colitis, and other problems. I had overian cancer 9 years ago. She also lies to me like I'm going to fall for it. All of this has brought on so much mental and physical pain that I can't bear it. It's eating me up inside and all the meds (which I have a lot of) don't seem to help right now. I am usually a happy person, but enough is enough!!! I feel like I'm breaking in little pieces. My husband has been caring but he can't understand why I don't feel like getting out of bed. I just want to get off the merrygoround for a moment to take a breath. Does any one ever feel like this or am I just going crazy??


fancithatt - December 9

Please your comments would be greatly appreciiated


Beone - December 10

Dear fancithatt, this condition fms can make things seem really bad because it won't allow you to do things the way you think they should be done which creates more tension, Ive got 3 children, now adults 2 boys one girl all in there mid to late 20s now, and 4 wonderful grand children, I don't know your situation but my feeling is you need to stop holding on to your daughter, i know she is only very young but some times you have to let go for them to come back, I would tell her i trust her. that will make her think from her higher self instead of from a position of trying to take power from you. I would tell her she is big enough to make her own mind up if she truly thinks she can. tell her you will always be there if she needs you. Ask her to learn about your condition and situation now as an adult to see why you act the way you do. this will help empower her to make an over view of everything in her life and take away tell her everything you think she neededs to know from your point of view and make sure she knows that she may not agree with you but she dose have to listen as this is your role as a mother to tell her as she could be in your shoes one day maybe. These are only ideas and you must trust your intuition. love trusts, lets go, is open nonjudgmental,cares,gives,accepts,is peaceful,abundant, Fear holds on,judges,fights,restricts,pulls back,scared,anxious,lacking. Choose what you want. Hope this helps
Love Beone.


Canada17 - December 10

I was the one who started the mother daughter relationship thread. While my relationship with my mother is nothing like the one that you have with your daughter I can give you advice.

My husband was a "trouble" teen. At 15 he got his older girlfriend pregnant and left home. He was into drugs and dropped out of school. After the relationship he had with the mother of his child went sour, she split with the child and gave her over to an adoption agency. At that point my husband was 18 and in no shape to fight for, let alone take care of, a 2 year old girl. This was more than 15 years ago too, men had even fewer parental rights than they do now. The grief of losing his daughter almost cost him is life and he ended up living on the streets and then spent almost a little over a year in jail because he got in with the wrong crowd.

All the while, his mother was trying desperately to reach out to him to "fix" him. But he had to learn the hard way and it was extremely difficult for her to accept his behaviour and it caused her so much stress.

Now, my husband is a great man, a wonderful father, and an amazing husband and son. It took a few years for him to realize the hurt he put his mom through but they were able to repair their relationship.

I would suggest, given that she is 17, you have two options. You can either call the authorities on her boyfriend for driving without a license and alert them to any criminal behaviour that you know your daughter is involved in. Or, you can tell her you will always love her and let her go. The stress and hardship that the next few years is going to cause you is unfair. But your daughter, while she thinks she is mature, is not mature enough to know what her actions are doing to you.

In time, you will be able to rebuild your relationship with her. Always let her know you are there, but don't interfere, it will only push her farther away. Be honest with her, let her know that you can't support the life she has chosen and if she wants to change you will always be open to helping her.

Sometimes, even with our own children, when we love something, we have to let them go to be their own person. She is almost an adult and no matter how good of a parent you have been up until this point, you are not the only influence in her life. Unfortunately, a 17 year old rarely takes their parents advice over their friends/boyfriends.

I wish you luck. Just remember that your health and happiness is just as important as hers.


fancithatt - December 11

Dear Beone and Canada17,
You both gave me good advice. I am letting go but I have made it clear to her that I love her and will always love her. I can not support the choices she is making (the boyfriend wrecked totaled the car last night) but we as a family will be here to love her. I told her we would not financially support her sense she won't tell us what she does with all the money and that part of growing up is supporting yourself. But if she is ever hungry or cold she can come to us and we will feed her and keep her warm. Tough Love is the route my husband and I have chosen because I do believe that God will and is beside her. I pray she opens her ears and listens to him. I am trying not to let it get to me but I think that might take some time too. Thank you both so much for you advise. Cindy


toots2889 - December 11

Fancithatt, I totally agree with your decision, and how your handling it. I applaud you. Theres nothing harder. I to was once in a very tough situation and had to use some tough love with a family member. It ended up being the best thing ive ever done. I will pray for your daughter and you to have the same outcome. Sometimes the ones we love the most are the ones we have to let go.


Beone - December 11

Dear fancithatt lovely to hear we could help a we bit,thank you for sharing. I feel that love is never tough it just might seem that way to some people when they are confronted with the truth. the truth can always be told in a caring loving way, it is up to the resevere of that truth to judge the truth the way they see fit. Hope everyone was ok in the crash it may help your daughter see what her boyfriend is like.
love Beone,


fancithatt - December 12

thanks for asking Beone, my daughter did hit her head but there were no serious injuries. Sense he didn't have his drivers license he said she was driving and she went right along with him. He is not paying to fix her car and cussed me out about the situation. She see's him but its okay with her for him to be that way with me. To me that is unacceptable treatment and I do not treat them nor anyone that way. My daughter will have to open her eyes to what he is really like or she will have to start to care about us before she can grow healthy. I can not make her do this so I will just step back and be there when and if she comes back. I trust God and he knows what is best. Cindy


axxie - December 13

Hello facithatt, I know exactly what you are going through, I'm going through similar things. I also have a 17 year old girl and like you, been going through the roller coaster ride. As like me, you know she's hanging around the wrong crowd. The hard thing is discipining her, you can't because they run away. I have been lucky that mine although has not run away, she is on the verge to do it, everytime we get into an argument she has a place to hide at, at her boyfriends. I have dressed myself at 3 a.m. in the morning and went and got her out of that house, it was a surprise visit and needless to say the time couldn't be better, she was half-asleep and was able to bring her home. I told her that I loved her, and that what in fact she was doing was, punishing me and letting go of her dream of becoming something special. I told her that the wrong thing to do, is let a young adult, drop out of school, and told her that to build resilience she needed to be educated, that is the only way out and to fight for her freedom.

I still have mine living at home, but it will only be time, before she leaves to live with this no beat boyfriend.

I have surrounded all the cousins and aunts and have told them, to call her and send her messages on facebook, on how important she is to a family and that she needs to look after her ownselves because not one of her friends would.

She is a little quieter now, and I was lucky that the dead beat boyfriend has a mother who is also trying to help my daughter to make changes that apppropriate for her.

She is now finishing her grade 12 and have dreams of her going to university next year, I am not sure if this will happen, I have told her it was her choice.

I have given her permision to do what is best for her, but that I didn't have room, for her mistakes. My husband and I have done the same thing as you, given her, her freedom to make choices and we are standing by our decision, tough love......

I feel better, my fibro was really getting to me, and I am hoping she will come about.... we need to let them screw up and hopefully with short time she will return....

Good luck to you


fancithatt - January 8

well I just thought I would update again and let you know that I decided to stop taking the Cymbalta to see if it was making the depressed feelings worse and it was. I do feel better and I'm still dealing with my daughter but it is not so heavy on my heart as it was. Please check you meds ladies because sometimes they add to instead of help our suffering and pain.



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