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10 Replies
lundellhottie - April 21

Sex with my husband has been getting harder and harder the last few years. I was recently diagnosed with FMS, and I thought knowing what was wrong would help things get better. Our sex life is just getting worse. I have read a few posts here and articles elsewhere that sex can be difficult with fms, but nobody has really said what exactly works for them.
I'm not talking, take it slow, experiment, that stuff. I'm asking particular positions. If there is anyone out there comfortable enough to share what has worked for them, I would be so grateful! I'm pretty naive when it comes to positions, and I don't just want to look online-never know what would pop up!-and I live in ultra-conservative Utah, so there's not much out there in bookstores and such.
Please help! I'm afraid if we don't get the sex issues sorted out soon, our marriage won't make it much longer. We love each other dearly, but without the intimacy, the relationship has really suffered!


January - April 21

Hi - I don't know about positions - sounds like a good idea for an experiment! You might want to get checked for FSH levels - sometimes people go into perimenopause in their 30s. This is common if you have celiac disease or gluten problems. And if you have celiac, it can cause symptoms just like FMS.

If you are taking antidepressants drugs, they almost always interfere with your sex life, and I don't know any way around those side effects, except quitting the drugs.

Getting your body as healthy as possible will help you. There are a lot of things you can read about diet, supplements and eliminating toxins. But specifically for help with sexual matters, I'd recommend that you look into DHEA and Vitamin D3 (I mean large doses, like up to 10,000 units a day). BUT before you use these supplements, please get your levels checked with simple blood tests, and talk to your doctor.

DHEA is a precursor to sexual hormones - and its use is controversial, though many alternative health people recommend it. (You could probably take 5 mg with no problem. One dr. says never take more than 5 mg. I take 10 (sometimes 20) mg and I have done well on it. Some doctors consider a therapeutic dose to be 50 mg.) Learn all you can about risks and benefits, and make your own decisions. DHEA might influence the growth of certain hormone related cancers, so that is a possible risk you should know about.

High dose Vitamin D3 (cholecalciferol) should be monitored. I take at least 5,000 IU of D3 every day. From what I have read, 5,000 IU should not be a problem for MOST people - but you need to check with a doctor because everyone's body is different. I take an additional smaller dose at night, depending on how I feel. I've read that a dose of 10,000 IU a day is relatively high, but usually not a problem, especially if you only do it occasionally. If you go over that, you should to be monitored by a doctor. Some doctors prescribe short term doses of 50,000 IU! But everybody absorbs it differently. It can make a huge difference in your sex life if you are deficient in it! A lot of Western medicine doctors are brainwashed by drug companies and know nothing about nutrition - it pays to read and educate yourself about these matters - google for information and read many different sites - and then find a doctor who will work with you. DO NOT take high doses of these supplements without medical supervision.

Good luck to you.


mdak - April 21

I can feel what you are going through. I have the same problem. I was just reading some info on line about dealing with FM (intimacy) problems. It help reading it. My problem is that I am usually so tired or in pain that I have no desire to have sex. I know for a fact that my medications also cause lack of libido. The info was saying rest before having sex. Schedule it and try to have less stress. I have tried it, but I seem to have no desire. This has rocked my marriage. My husband has mention it several times and all it does is get me upset. I told him that people have a disability and maybe their wife cann't perform anymore, so they learn to love each other in other ways( holding each other). I realize sex is very important for men.I wish I could give you some ideas. Maybe I will learn from others too. My husband would be happy I know.


lacey - April 23

Hi, we gave up a few years ago. it was just too painful to continue and nothing worked.

We fine the way we are and are happy to leave it like that.


kvc33 - April 23

I need you to be more specific about what the problem is. If you are experiencing vaginal pain during intercourse it is most likely because the vagina shrinks with FM. The solution is to use vaginal dilators, you insert them and leave them in for about 20 minutes twice a day. They gradually stretch the vagina and make penetration easy again. You start out with small ones and gradually increase the size. I have done it and it does work. Google vaginismus. If muscle pain is the problem try taking a warm bath before hand to relax your muscles. Intercourse is very unnecessary for sexual pleasure, in fact your are both missing out on a lot by concentrating on that. A good marriage doesn't require it and if all my partner wanted was that I would wave goodbye.


lundellhottie - April 26

muscle pain is the issue. I do realize there are a myriad of other ways to connect with my husband. The main problem with that is, he get erections quite easily and if he doesn't ejaculate after the more intense ones, he ends up in extreme pain. He has said in counseling that he is willing to see if he still gets the intense pain (we haven't really given it the chance since we've been together), but that has yet to translate in the bedroom. The hardest part I guess is that it has become the expectation that any intimate moments will most likely end in sex, and that's mostly because of me.
Now we're just having a hard time finding any positions that will work for me. He understands that it hurts me and he doesn't want it to be an issue, but it is.


bmcgovern - April 26

I get some pain to in the beginning when he goes in but after that i do ok..Him being on top is a good position and doggy style for me. Everyone is different. We have tried multiple positions and pretty much every position we do it hurts at first but i get past the pain cause him and i are very sexual people..does it hurt if you do foreplay or oral to get it started? You could always go check out blue boutique. I also live in ut to and they have a lot of books there :) Hope this helped.


HerRoyalHighness - April 26

Here is some advice copied and pasted from web sites. Hope it helps!

• Find comfortable positions. Certain positions may be painful for the partner with fibromyalgia, while others are not. "Positions that involve arching the back, straightening the legs, twisting the spine, or positions that require a lot of support from only one leg or one arm can be often painful for an individual with fibromyalgia and can lead to muscle cramps." Instead, experiment with side–lying positions, lying on the back with knees bent, sitting positions, or positions where the back is supported. Avoid staying in one position too long, as this again can lead to muscle cramps. Talk openly with your partner and discuss what hurts and what helps (you may want to have this conversation when you are not engaged in sex and preferably not in the bedroom). Your partner may need more time and attention to get aroused. "Remember that sexual activity will not damage fibromyalgia muscles, so have fun".

Some fibromyalgia patients give up romantic aspirations for fear of further injury and pain. Yet being intimate with your partner is still possible. With fibromyalgia pain and tender points, you need to work with your partner to find the most comfortable position during sexual intercourse.

For instance, if you have fibromyalgia with low back pain, you may find that having your partner on top or lying on his or her side is most comfortable for you. Or, if you're a woman who has fibromyalgia and hip pain, you might use a pillow between your knees to stabilize your body during sexual intercourse.

Moist heat, including soaking in a warm bath, can help ease fibromyalgia pain and may allow you to enjoy sexual intercourse -- or any exercise -- without added pain.

Heat increases blood flow to the site and decreases stiffness, important because, along with pain, stiffness is a key symptom of fibromyalgia. Regular moist heat applications or warm baths may help temporarily to alleviate muscle pain or tender point pain, reduce muscle spasms, and decrease inflammation.

When using moist heat, make sure it is not too warm or you can burn your skin. You might soak in a warm bath for at least 15 minutes before sexual intercourse or other physical activity to get the full benefit. You may also soak in a warm bath after sexual intercourse or other physical activity. Other popular types of moist heat include a warm shower (sit on a chair, if needed), warm whirlpool or hot tub, heated swimming pool, and a moist heating pad.


kvc33 - April 26

Okay lundellhottie, are you saying that your husband can only ejaculate during intercourse? That's never been an issue with the men I've been with, they don't need it for that. I have heard of testicular pain if a man is aroused and then doesn't ejaculate but if he's that aroused he should be able to make himself come with your hand or his or oral sex if you are into that. Until you get this worked out I would suggest that you have some intimate time together where you agree from the start that it won't lead to intercourse. That way you can relax and feel better about things. You can also try taking pain killers before sex so that you are ready and the ideas that the others gave about positions is really good too I think.


lucky13 - April 30

First, have you tried lubrication, this might help.

If I'm having a decent day I make sure husband gets sex, in my mind, that makes up for, or helps him be more understanding on my bad days when I turn him away.
My hands hurt so if we do doggie style, I will use pillows under my belly and chest to prop me up so I don't have to use my hands.
Also if your on your back you could try and put some pillows under your back and your butt, resting on them at an angle like that might make it more comfortable.
When I'm on my back, my tender points on my shoulders will hurt, I haven't quit figured out how to avoid that pain just yet, working on it though.
There is an adult website called adam and eve dot com (i think)you could look for books on positions on there, when they mail you something it's wrapped in brown paper so no one knows what it is.
If your too embarrassed to check out a local store,
if your ever out of town, hit up a book store, Barnes and noble or something, for position books.
even amazon dot com would be a good resource to look for books on easing pain during sex, that way your not googling it and getting a bunch of porno sites.

There are no rules on how to have sex the right or wrong way, it's all about experimenting and trying new things. So even if you don't know of various positions, make up your own. Sit, stand, lay on back, lay face down, lay on side, on hands and knees, sitting on lap, forward, backward, sideways ect. anything goes.
Good luck


lucky13 - April 30

Oh also, if you have cleavage, have him try your cleavage instead of your vagina, no work from you really that would cause pain, this is something we do when I don't really feel like doing the deed or if one of my flares are starting.



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