Pity party of one
tnichel - Dec 16th, 2009 10:45 PM
[ Original Post ]

Today is not a good day. I've officially been really, really sick for 4 months now. And today, I do not have the energy to be positive (I can't b/c I can't let my coworkers & bosses see how much pain I'm really in. They fired a girl who had a lot of health problems but they of course they used another excuse. maybe i'm just paranoid). I can barely walk, none of the meds are working. Part of it is my lupus which I'm newly diagnosed and dealing with. I'm just highly emotionally right now and ready to break down in tears.

But I'm not complaining too much b/c I had a pretty good run for a couple of months. Actually I wanted to break down crying Sunday night but talked myself out of it saying there were people dealing with situations far worse than mine. I guess that was a mistake b/c those emotions snuck up on me today. How exactly do you wake up crying? I mean the day hasn't even started.I think I need to go back to free writing. At least then those emotions that I don't know are there can come out in words instead of in front of unsuspecting people. I know I'll be ok, but I just felt like sharing.

Also, why do I have to get sick every Thanksgiving and every Christmas. I mean really...can I get just one where I feel fine. I can't remember one since my early 20's where I wasn't sick. It doesn't matter how hard I try to take care of myself, eat right and plan, I'm going to be sick-end of story. Christmas should be moved to June or July!!!!! I know alot of it is the change in whether but still... I hate you fibro!!!!!!!! And all of you lil friends you invite to the party...take that..and that!!!!! Ok, now I feel a little better.

I also wonder if some of this is stress. I truly believe I handle stress well by my mother was in the hospital for a week last month. I don't freak out easily and I didn't feel stressed at all. I keep everyone else calm. But I wonder if that did make things worse for me. And sometimes I get anxiety for no reason whatsoever (again hardly ever in stressful situations). I don't understand that either. Anyway, now I'm just rambling since I hardly slept last night so I'm going to shut up now and say I hope you are doing much better than myself right now. Please, any newbies reading this don't get down or discouraged. You will have days like this. Just remember when you have no one in your real world who can relate, you can always come here. And that's the point of this post. I so need to find a support groups b/c (I'll love them tomorrow) but right now my friends really SUCK. No one has called to check on me at all and even if they did they'd pretend like nothing was wrong anyway. I think I'll get a dog. Dangit here comes the tears again. I'm leaving now before I really get to embarassing myself. Thanks for reading my rant.

Comment


 

Fantod - Dec 17th, 2009 8:49 AM

Hi tnichel - I'm really glad you took the time and the energy to share how you are feeling right now. You've got a lot on your plate especially with a new diagnosis of lupus. On top of that your mother was in the hospital and it is the hectic holiday season. It is no wonder that you feel so overwhelmed - who wouldn't?!

I think that you hit the nail on the head when you talked about stress. I think that you do internalize it and it is sneaking its way into your life with higher levels of pain and periodic attacks of anxiety. You really want to watch the latter as the next step may be full blown panic attacks. Between your work environment and everything else it is a wonder that you are still standing. And, you feel abandoned by your friends. That is not entirely true as we are all right here for you. And, I am checking on you to see how you are today.

The holidays are hard for all of us as there are so many expectations. We place them on ourselves and then there are the family dynamics... Go back to free writing and get some of this stuff out. But, I'd like to gently suggest given everything that you are dealing with that you consider seeing a therapist for some additonal support. I think that would really help get you through this rough spot. Try to find one that specializes in people with chronic illness. I see someone and it has kept my head screwed on relatively straight.

You are going to get through this if we all have to drag you there. I hope that things look a little better this morning and that the sun is shining wherever you are in the USA. I'll be thinking about you today - sending thoughts of better health and peace. Take care.


Canada17 - Dec 17th, 2009 7:30 PM

Thank you for sharing your story. It is so important for us to get what we are feeling out and free writing is an excellent way to do that.

Laughter really is great medicine. It releases natural endorphines into your body. Studies have shown that even singing along to your favourite tunes does the same, along with exercise, and sex. Endorphines help to reduce pain. Unfortunately when we are feeling down, it only amplifies our pain and it becomes a vicious circle.

It is true that there are usually people who are in far worse conditions that us. Don't let that discount the fact that you are suffering; you need not suffer in silence. I agree with Fantod that you might look into speaking with someone who specializes in chronic illnesses to help you keep a level head. Our emotions have a way of sneaking up on us if we ignore them - intentionally or not. It's kind of like a volcano, the pressure builds and builds until finally it explodes.

I hope today was a better day for you. : )




wendy1 - Dec 18th, 2009 9:33 AM

May I join your pity party??? I am new to this forum and with the holidays and all just makes me more depressed. I have only been living with this a litte over a year and I believe we somehow prepare ourselves to feel sick.. it´s like we fear it so much we actually provoke it, that´s how I look at it. I try to remain calm because it does seem to help but I am just babbling right now because it is like so many feelings at once and my husband just doesn´t understand this and my kids are too young to care.... my thoughts are with everyone in this forum. I know I am not alone though sometimes I feel so lonely and as if no one understands..... Merry Christmas


axxie - Dec 20th, 2009 8:52 PM

tnichel, don't feel bad about feeling so crummy, we get like that also, you have been through the ringer.

I send to you my hugs and a shoulder to cry on, just try to take things a little lighter, that is hard to do around Christmas time, it's all about not having enough sunshine.

If you can, go outdoors for a few minutes until you have had twenty minutes of it, it shall help you.

Take a nice bath, and wrap yourself in a nice blanket, take your medicine and go to bed. Tomorrow will be another day and you will feel better.

Don't forget to come back and let us know how you feel. Good or bad, we do care and I'm sending you a big hug.....


inpaindavey - Dec 23rd, 2009 3:57 PM

hi there im david a a newbie on here i know exacatly where your coming from dont give up hope becuse wheres theres a will theres a way i say to myself?even thogh im having a bad day again i suffer from chonic fatigue and realy bad haed and facial migrane and been felling realy isolates on my own expecialy in this cold horrible weather it makes everything seem useless and desprate at the moment i aggree with you they should have xmas in july i hate the winters. im sick and tired of being sick and tired for nearly 6 years im just existing thats t5he only way i can decribe myself im dreading xmas on my own. life aint fair :-(


Wiccad - Dec 24th, 2009 5:40 AM

Hey I am sure we all can relate to your plight. Ya this sucks and no one really understands except the people who are here sharing their pain. So glad you shared and were able to get your feelings out on paper(so to speak) Myself I write alot of hate-filled poetry designed to de-stress myself of course. Sometimes I do believe it actually works. So rant and rave all you want!!!