Loosing hope in living....
Sway - Nov 12th, 2008 1:03 PM
[ Original Post ]

this is the first time within the past 3 years of being diagnosed.. the pain and ill health Ive had for much longer... that I feel i just dont see the point of fighting anymore. I am unemployed.. trying to find work but limited to what I can do, and I know I will get sick.. in only the past 4 months I have had pneumonia, the norwalk virus and sinisitus. I get well, just to get knocked down again. I am loosing the will to fight. and of course, because of that, depression is setting in. My son has just left home, I have a dog that I adore who I thin I have to get rid of maybe by putting to sleep due to behaviour and health issues, I applied to disability and was denied, I just finished a college diploma in Early Childhood Education, a job that if doing 40 hours per week, will kill me and i get sick all the time. finding a relationship, I am single after a on and off again 10 year marriage and relationship ( with whom he just emailed me to tell me he is with someone else now.. just thought I wanted to know i guess) and everyone seeming so happy and wealthy and flourishing around me while I wilt away, alone, gaining weight by the day ( I used to be an athlete, model, dancer, beautiful.. ) now I am the fattest Ive ever been and to boot, I am alternative in style (tattoos, body piercings ) and in order to get work I have to change everything about me... I dont see the point anymore. I dont want to live anymore. But I know that if I take my life, that my family, especially my son... I cant put him in that much pain so that I may find relief. I am in prison. trapped and alone. And I think God is a fairy tale to make us feel better about our human conditions of being lonely and sad.
I am 37, I have been on my own since I was 14. Its been a long hard life of recovery after recovery, teenage single mother, drug addictions, running all my life. I have spent the past 12 years in my home town trying to get right with family and live regularly be a good mom, all that, now... my job is done, my son is moved out... my purpose.. is ... what? to live like this?

Comment


 

cannotaccept - Nov 18th, 2008 4:23 PM

Sway, i'm sorry noone has responded to this post. I really dont know what to say thats positive because i feel the exact same way. Our lives history are compairable. My son is turning 16 and i fear the day he doesnt need me anymore. He is what keeps me going. I think suicide is very selfish, my mother attempted twice, and never thought i would be in that place but... maybe we'll feel better tomorrow but we know those feelings will always be there, festering and ready to swallow us whole. I used to find comfort in computer games like slingo but im board with that now. I'm just getting off effexor so i know im at a real low point because of the horriable withdrawal, but i've been here before. It just seems to get worse each time.
Go day to day. Keep the knowelge that even though your son doesnt live with you anymore, it doesnt mean he or his future family wont need you. Still do it for him.


Beone - Jan 8th, 2009 3:51 AM

Dear sway, I Have had fibro and c,f,s for a while now and have had a lot of time to ponder about why i needed to experience this condition. I believe we get these things so we can learn about ourselves and how we can teach others about the things we have gone through, we learn we are stronger than we thought, we learn compassion and love, when others only want to judge someone we see a bigger picture, we learn to express our wisdom to help others and ourselves, I now see the little things flowers, bees, and the not so little things, life giving Sun, clouds, the cleansing rain, water falls. We are all here to love ourselves first then others and all life it is so precious, All my love Beone,
Thank you for helping me to learn to express myself. ps maybe you could write down your experiences in a book you have a lot of wisdom you know.


VictoriaB - Jan 14th, 2009 9:20 PM

Hey,
Haven't posted for awhile! Have been so down with a flare and thought I would write so I could get an e-mail buddy who I could talk to evry day or 2 that would understand me. Then I get on here and find everyone else feels the same way that I do. I have been trying the Fen. patch and this is my 3rd attempt. It has been making me vomit. But today I feel GOOD!!!! I have been cleaning and singing!!!! Thanks God!
Sway, you are definately not alone!! I have thought the very same things. The only thing that keeps me going besides my family is my relationship with Jesus Christ, I know it sounds corny and all but it's real and I keep saying, by his stripes we are healed and it helps. There is a reason that we are going through this and yes some day we will understand. Please don't give up the fight because you are important!!

I need someone to help me understand that I can't expect to go back to work. Every day i look at the want ads and dream about returning to work and getting that little piece of paper that has my name on it. i am having trouble putting COMPLETE fatith in him for my needs and of course I just want to get out to be with people really!! Am I crazy or what???? Can I really expect to work as a Nurse when I can't hardly walk some days??? Go ahead somone and tell me how crazy I am. Have been thinking about you guys on this site but have been down, uable to sit up and write much.

Let's help each other-Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not into thine own understanding. Ackowledge him in all thy ways and he will direct thy path-Later V


Anne Hillebrand - Jan 15th, 2009 6:58 PM

You don't have to live like that.

Read about Overly Acidic Fibromyalgia.

Matthew 7:7

In HIS grip,

Annie



axxie - Jan 18th, 2009 12:41 AM

Sway, come on now, you know what is wrong with you, now go to the doctor and tell him/her to change your medi. Some of us fibro feel just about the same as you, if you are completely honest with the doctor, they should put you something to help you, with your mood, as well has the pain. Please don't do anything drastic you are not alone. Many of us felt the same way at one point or another. There are medication out there that can help you with your pain and your mood, one that I think of is cymbalta. Are you eating right, are you taking showers to take away some of your pain in the morning and at night and are you taking a good multi-vitamin.
OK, you may not be able to do much yet, but with time and new medication your life will change for the better. As for the dog, I think he is feeling your pain and that's why he is acting the way he is. Keep writing to us and let us know how you are doing. Don't give up, I promise you there's a light at the end of the tunel....


truenorth - Jan 19th, 2009 8:32 PM

I went through a 16 week pain clinic. I will share what I learned.

I take Lyrica. 150 mg 3 times day. It's the max dose, it does affect my memory, and they started me in increments of 25 mg three times a day. You HAVE to start SLOWLY or you will not drive, you will be staggering like you are drunk.

I found that swimming at the local fitness center helped. It stretched and elongated my muscles. I do lap swimming.

I also started lifting weights (like nautilus) equipments at the gym. This has helped me burn fat like crazy.

I started using Herbalife. I lost 23lbs. The key to keeping the weight off, FOR ME, is taking Wellbutrin as my anti-depressant. WHY? Because it totally removes you appetite. I have to write notes to myself to eat.

Other than that, today is a hard day with fibro. I started new exercises, after I got to the bottom of my weight category for my size/build (which is recommended).

To lower flare ups, you have to have a PLAN. Write it down, use it when you feel suicidal or like giving up, or like your life is worse than everyone elses:

Chocolate (moderation)
Hot cocoa
Drink lots of water
Go for a walk
DE-STRESS (whatever is stressing you, get rid of it).
If you feel tired, nap.
If you feel sluggish, do the opposite and go work out, do whatever you can.
Stretch a lot
Eat healthy snacks, like protein bars, bananas, and nuts, granola, and a lot of soy milk.

That's what I have to offer. If you have a PT who can teach you feldenkreis method of movement, do it. It works. I'm about to do it now.

Good luck and I hope you are still alive. This is my first login/registration and response.

Best to you.


bwelladjusted - Aug 12th, 2009 1:17 PM

Sway...I am so sorry that you are stuggling so much right now. It sounds like you have had a hard life and are dealing with a lot of disappointments. I won't begin to pretend I understand where you're at, because my life situation is much different. But I do know some of the discouragement you feel, and I've wondered what kind of a life I'll ever have like this. I'm only 19,and the pain and limitations have changed my life so immensely. When I was diagnosed I felt like my whole life was ending before it had ever had a chance to start. But in the past few weeks my hope has been restored by God. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but PLEASE read the rest of this. I completely understand how you could believe that God is a fairy tale right now, because it's hard to believe something you can't see at a time you feel so alone. I have been a Christian since I was 10, grew up in a supportive, Christian home, and still I found myself doubting Him once I became ill. I didn't see how He could have any kind of plan for my life now...but He does for me, and He still does for you. I don't know what His plan is for you, but please believe that He has one.He loves you, and He created you, and He doesn't create anyone without having a purpose and a plan for them. He isn't surprised by illness and disaster...they don't ruin his plans. There is a verse in the bible I have been clinging to lately.
It says "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I know right now it doesn't seem like you are prospering, and it feels like He's harmed you. But He still has plans for you...He wants to give you a hope and a future. But our hope and future comes through him...we don't have hope without Him, and that's why we feel so desperate and imprisoned when we try to go through life on our own. The bible is full of amazing promises, each one telling us that we are loved and secure. But these promises, this hope and future, is for God's children. For those who have a personal relationship with Him. He really wants you to come to Him...and there is nothing in your life that is too big for Him to deal with.
I don't want to preach or push you. But if you are interested in this hope, in a relationship with God, please let me know. I will gladly explain it all to you. My e-mail is my user name at yahoo. I will be praying for you.


kctogetherforever - Aug 13th, 2009 1:01 AM

Well, I thought I would never get on here. I litterally forgot what log in name I used. LOL....Fibro fog you say.

Sway, I have to schedule myself so that I will get up and do something, anything. After hubby calls at noon to check on me, I just go on auto. Do my chores...dishes, put load of clothes on to wash etc. I use the 15 on and 15 off method. It really works for me. I work for 15 mins and then sit down and smoke a cig and watch CNN for 15. At a certain time (3:00 pm) if at all possible I try to walk on the treadmill 15 mins. Lately that has not been possible, but I still try or think about trying. After walking I get in a hot shower, put on clean clothes and then lay down for a nap before hubby comes home. If I do that everyday, I have LEARNED to feel good about what I have acomplished and move on. It has taken a long time for me to feel this way.

I too have had bad times with depression, and because family don't even try to understand, I too have thought of ending it all. Hubby is fabulous and gets it, but children appear to care less. This hurts. A lot.

I am 63 and have been married for 31 yrs. My huband is 15 yrs. younger than me, and I worry that one day he will get tired of this. It is so hard for him to see me in so much pain all the time. I so hope you can find something out of all these wonderful comment. Soft huggs....Kathy in Tennessee....


louise75 - Aug 26th, 2009 10:37 PM

Know this post is old but wondering how Sway is doing?
I'm new here and fully understand how she feels. I have a wonderful doctor and when I'm down he tells me to hang on, a cure may just be around the corner. Someday they will figure it out!
It's hard I KNOW!


fibrosince92 - Sep 6th, 2009 3:07 PM

Do NOT give up!! and DO NOT give up on disability..Appeal and appeal again...find a lwayer that specializes in FM...thats what I had to do...Even if we dont understand why, this is Gods plan for us, and he only gives us as much as we can handle...Please do not give up and talk to your dr, so he can give you something for depression and the pain and maybe he can recommend someone for you to talk too...Good luck..