How do you make spouse know you can't do as you use to
squaw14 - Sep 3rd, 2009 2:41 PM
[ Original Post ]

I supported him when he broke his back. I fed the animals and mowed the acreage and even threw and carried feed and hay. Now, we just had a big fight and after 33 years I am ready to call it quits. I was simple. We live in a small house. I use to have an area where I made storage for me. Papers, supplies, everything I needed. A year ago he moved them out to put in a new tub. He refused to move back in because he would when area painted. He has continuously refused any ideas I had to close of area. Before this he got a 24x30 shop and 12x20 canopy for his STUFF. Now he refuses to let me have that area and wants to shove my stuff in his shop which is already full. I haven't had my stuff for over a year and rarely go out to his shoop for 1) walking an issue 2. can't find 3. going out there leaves me with little energy to do anything. How can a person get there stuff back without a divorce? Why can't he recognize and show me the same care and concern as I do his diabetes- restless leg- and back and arthritis? I am so sick of giving giving and having to fight for anything in return. HIs diabetes has stopped all sex life so he is cold and distant. I lived with that but he can't live with my hurting. Any ideas as I am ready to let 33 years go down the tube.

Comment


 

MsIvy - Sep 9th, 2009 2:43 PM

I don't know if he would be open to it, but I strongly recomend counseling - there are counselors that deal specifically with Chronic Illness's. It seems like the bigger issue is that his actions are showing that he does not value your things and he doesn't value YOU because if he did he would recognize how important it is to you and HE WOULD WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU, especially something so easy to give - know what I mean. So it sounds like your relationship is in a lot more trouble than bickering over space - and if you want to save your marriage seek a specialist! If your foot hurts go to a podiatrist, if you cant see well go to an eye doctor.....and if your relationship hurts GO TO A RELATIONSHIP DOCTOR before its too late. I am in much of the same situation as you, my husband and I are struggling - going to counseling, it has helped. I wish you peace


axxie - Sep 15th, 2009 4:46 AM

Gees, I'm sorry you are having so much pain, not just the physical pain but also the emotional pain. Have you gotten any medication for your fibro, the reason I'm asking is maybe medication such as cymbalta may help you manage your low energy, the pain and also the mental problems we have when dealing with the pain.

I was in such a place about a year ago, and I started on cymbalta, it helped me, be calmer and have less pain, and it gave me time to sleep so that I could feel better.

I'm not saying your hubby will give you back your papers or the room, but maybe you will find a way to deal with it all. See clearly and not be so emotional.

I know what it's like to not have your things or have a man who is stubborn, distant etc. I have one and we had a big blow today, I'm always to blame and no matter what I want, well I don't get just like you, sometimes I feel I deserve better and want to get out, you see my fight started with my 16 year daughter and it became a huge fight and trying to discipline her, my hubby got in the middle and meddle the whole thing, well needless to say, it was worst for him to put his two cents worth.

Now I have a 16 year old who would rather live somewhere else and a husband who thinks what he does it best, and I'm emotional. Yes, sometimes I want to leave, 25 years down the tube, but I found that talking to my therapist and taking my cymbalta gives me a perspective to live longer and that life sometimes just seem to present itself in a way that we don't comprehend.

May I suggest you see a counseller to help you and see your primary physician to get some help with medication. I promise you will feel differently, think more clearer and see ways to deal with the problems you are having.

When things go wrong, remember to write, duck your head, hold on to your heart and remember you will be alright!

I hope you see some light, through this difficult times. Remember there are people who love you and are here to support you.

Sandrivers


GrannyGrad - Sep 15th, 2009 8:36 PM

I know this may be hard to hear, but the only person whose responses you can control is you. I'm a grad student specializing in counseling studies, so please understand I'm not a professional yet (soon, in March), but I would definitely recommend that you seek a counselor, even if your husband refuses to go with you. It sounds very much like there is a co-dependency issue involved; believe it or not, he probably needs you more than you need him but that is moot if his actions spell thoughtlessness and disregard. Be sure to find a counselor who specializes in these kinds of issues; not every counselor is a good one, so check around first as to their expreience, reputation, etc.

I once had a man who acted very much like you describe your husband as being. It took me a long time to get out of the marriage (as I believe deeply in commitment) and many years of counseling to get over the way he treated me. Today, I am married to a man (13 yrs. now) who places regard for my well-being as equal to his own. He has diabetes and heart-disease and has to wear a brace on his leg, but he does not use it as an excuse for selfishness. Here's praying you will get the help you need.