I sometimes feel sad, happy all in one breath
axxie - Oct 8th, 2009 4:03 AM
[ Original Post ]

I don't like this feeling of being stuck in a body that I don't want, nor need. My mind wonders and late at night, when I cannot sleep, I would love to vocal my discontement and meow like an alley cat.

Body doesn't feel that achy lately, so that's is good, except my emotions run up and down all day like an elevator, but I can be very short fused.

I feel trapped, like a prisoner in my mind, that I am not that person I used to be. No matter how much this damn diseases constantly shows me that I cannot be the same person who was working, taking care of the family and having so much energy that it actually bounced off the walls.

I can be sad, but I prefer to say that my emotional potential is lacking at this time. Hell my physical is really lacking also. There is no potential, heck I doubt there's even a glimmer of hope of having any potential, let alone being emotional or physical.

My body feels 100 years old and I'm only in my 50's and my emotion well being, just isn't there somedays (strike that out) most of the time.

As I look back, I would love to blame my boss, co-workers, family, the job I loved to hate, but really when you really look at it objectively, you soon find out, that blaming others ain't going to get you much and you need to embrace this new me. Except, this year's model, ain't as active as the previous year(s) prior.

Tonight, again I am burning the midnight oil, I cannot sleep! In the last 10 days I had two wonderful nights of sleeping, and now nada. I will resort in taking my sleeping aid to help me out and will not be fully rested, until I come out of a full coma for at least a year.

Maybe if our mothers would have saved our blood cord we'd have a tool to look forward. But no such luck.

I shall continue to file my papers, I lack the motivation. Life is no means a walk into the wild side at this moment.

Comment


 

mustangsh - Oct 8th, 2009 10:12 AM

Hey Axxie..I understand that it must be really hard to forget how healthy we used to be so therefore we can get really down thinking about our old life.I feel like on a scale from 1-10 with fibro that I am a 4..I still can do most things and the pain is bareable, but as I am getting older the symptoms seem to worsen.We must just keep pushing and focus on the good things that we have in life..we cannot let this FMS win.You have got to get some sleep so yes get back on the sleeping meds.My thoughts and prayers are with you.


brooksidefarm - Oct 8th, 2009 10:46 AM

Axxie - know we feel for you. I am crying now and will pray. I sleep most nights, but not soundly and never feel rested. I am 40 and cannot run with my beautiful 5 year old or have energy for sex with my wonderful husband. Most days I am in a confused fog. Filing when you have no motivation is all you can do. Atleast the accomplishment exists and you will not feel worse for that. Though it is somewhat a cliche - it could be worse I imagine. There are days when remembering that help me and others when it does not. I think that a 'cure' from modern medicine is a way off, and many of the drugs we have all taken for one thing or another have led us there, so try to find comfort in who you are inside and in God. You are taking care of your home and family to the best of your ability and many give up. Keep going. God bless you.




sulydi - Oct 8th, 2009 11:36 AM

axxie,

I am also only in my 50's and am frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed at times. I can't imagine how this is going to work when I am 60, or 70. This is supposed to be the time for me! I am slowly choosing to try to limit my activities to things I enjoy. Of course there are things that have to be done, but I am learning that these things are not as numerous as I thought. As for emotions, I have them, but I cannot control them. That also can be extremely frustrating, for me, and others around me I am sure.
On one good note, I am sitting here in the beautiful sunshine as I type this. The sun is shining directly on me, and I feel the heat. We have not had sun for days, and it is not going to last long as they are forecasting snow for today. I am going to enjoy this moment.
Take care Axxie, I would send you this sun if I could.
sulydi


beach54 - Oct 8th, 2009 4:55 PM

axxie,I feel your pain!LOL I am new here as of today so you are my first victim...Like many of you here I have had Fibro for 14 years and I am now 55 going on 90...Actually since going to the Pain Clinic several years ago I am about 90 % improved from before.Finally with trying different meds for some of my symptoms and after alot of tinkering I seem to have found what has amounted to the holly grail.Now I sleep on an average of 8 hours a night(compared to only 2 hours for years)The MS-Contin I am on has been such a blessing for me.My family Dr.now has a better understanding of me and we work together to find out what works best when.
Never,Never feel bad about getting your pain meds filled...They are there to sell you drugs prescribed by Drs.so don't waste any time feeling guilty for having to use them.It has been a long hard road getting to where I am now and I feel so bad for those of you who are not getting any relief.Mind you I have days where things aren't as good as they can be with extra pain.None of us signed up for this mess Fibro but not much we can do about it.
Luckily by the time I was diagnosed our sons were 16 and 11 so at least they were not babies although still at home.

Fibro is tough and not for the faint of heart that is for sure.What I do, is not tell very many people what pain meds I am on and that helps with not getting the "Oh no you are on Narcotics!"Look.
Anyway I feel for all of you fellow Fibro sufferers and know exactly what you are going through.Hang Tough!!